Thursday, March 3, 2016

Lost and Broken

I sit here lost and broken, a shell of the person I once was. I longingly recall a time of spiritual growth and fervor, a time when I sought the Lord with all of my heart and soul. My closeness to God was almost palpable. I was on fire for the Lord and I didn't care who knew it. Actually, I wanted everyone to know about my thirst for God and I made it a priority to tell them. I experienced a peace and joy that can only be described as supernatural. Regardless of life's difficulties, my peace remained constant. It was amazing and intoxicating. I was a true child of God. I felt his love as if it were pouring into me.
And now here I sit. Lost. Broken. My closeness to God has dissipated. My longing for that overwhelming peace, joy, and love causes an almost physical pain.

I think back, wondering exactly how I ended up here; in this place where I have very little connection to God. It didn't happen overnight. I believe that it gradually slipped away over months and years of apathy and lack of motivation. I let other things take priority over God.
A new job...
A master's program...
My own selfishness and desire...
My phone with all of the apps and games...

I stopped blogging.
I stopped reading the Bible.
My prayers became very infrequent.
My church attendance waned.
I stopped listening for God.
I stopped listening to God.
I stopped seeking God.

All of these things happened. Actually, they didn't happen. And now here I am. Where am I? I'm not sure. I feel like I've lost myself. The person who I have become is not the person who I want to be. She's not the person who I used to be. She is irritable, sarcastic, and downright mean at times. That is not the person who I long to be or who God expects me to be. There are times when I feel as if spiritual warfare is taking place all around me and sometimes within me. I feel restless.

How do I get back to where I once was? Going back is impossible. I can only move forward from here: commitment and motivation to seek God with all of my heart, one step at a time, one day at a time.

3 comments:

  1. Macy, I am so glad you posted!! I've been wondering about you. Now I shall be praying for you. He is faithful even when we aren't.

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  3. Oh dear sister in Christ- that longing, that restlessness is already a return to Him, the craving of His presence is taking steps closer to refreshed relationship. May I encourage you with this truth; recognizing your irritability, sarcasm, downright meanness at times shows you are bearing unhealthy fruit, but you are still firmly rooted in HIM. It's time for pruning, and you are already doing the uncomfortable work. I trust if you continue to crave Him, continue to seek Him, continue to recognize the fruit you are bearing (whether good or bad), that you will begin feeling refreshed and feeling a fuller connection with God. He is closer than you think. He craves you even more than you can crave him, and that is a tender thought that breathes deep into our soul. We need to do some work, we need to be willing to be pruned, we need to seek him, we need to study him, we need to talk to him, but all the while He is holding us. I am so glad that I signed in to blogger today and saw your post. Know that God is close, very close. In Christian love and care, I'll be praying for you.

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