Lost

I sit here staring at this blank screen wondering how I'm going to say everything that I need to say. It's not that I don't feel like I can get it all out there, it's that I want to do it in a way that is most pleasing to God. I want to honor him with these words and with my life. Writing has always come easily to me and I know now that this is one of my God-given gifts. I often feel like I'm not even the one writing these words. They can flow through me so readily and rapidly that I feel more like an instrument for the words of God to flow through.

I realize that unless you have experienced God in this way, you may not understand what I'm even talking about. I have experienced Our Heavenly Father in a way that many others may not even know is possible. I am blessed to have seen him, heard him and felt him in my life. I have physically heard his voice calling my name. I have seen images that can only be described as from the spiritual realm. I have felt the physical touch of his hand on the back of my neck. Most of these experiences have come to me late at night while I am drifting off to sleep. I have often wondered if this is the ideal time for God to interact with me because my mind is at rest and free from distraction.

Well, anyway, I'm really just stalling because I know that what I need to say is going to be difficult. Admitting your own weakness is certainly never easy. I'll start by saying that lately I have been so consumed by the negative aspects of my life that I haven't even been living my life. Let me take you back to the very beginning . . .

I had felt for several months that I needed to make a job change. I can't really explain it other than I just knew it was time for me to move on and that God's work for me was somewhere else. I found a job at a completely different facility. I applied, interviewed and was offered the job. I struggled greatly with my decision. I didn't really feel like I had a sense of what God wanted me to do. After much prayer, I decided to take the job.

I knew by day two of orientation that I had made a huge mistake. I was not happy in my new job. I continued on, hoping that the newness would wear off, my uneasiness would subside and I would grow to like my new endeavor. That didn't happen. My dislike grew to hatred and I gradually became completely consumed by trying to figure out how to get out of my new job. I was desperate for an immediate change. I was beginning to make myself and my family miserable. I couldn't function outside of my job. I feel like I was trying to do a decent job in my work and my superiors told me that they were very pleased with how I was doing. However, outside of work I completely shut down. All of my relationships began to suffer. I felt so sorry for myself that I could barely function. I put everything on hold, pending on my much-anticipated job change. I was just waiting for my life to return to a more favorable state. I stopped doing God's work. I stopped singing with the worship team at church. I eventually stopped posting in my blog. I no longer read the bible on a regular basis.

I will say that I prayed all the time. I prayed for my family and friends, but I mostly prayed for myself and my job issues. I begged and pleaded with the Lord several times each day.  My vision blurred on the long drives to and from work as I wept bitterly, pouring my heart out to God.

I then discovered a new job. It was completely different from my previous work. I could really see myself in this job and I thought that I would really prosper in this new opportunity. It was a newly-created position that I thought God made just for me. I soared quickly and easily through the interview process. I was told that my interview was excellent and that I presented myself very well. I thought the job was surely mine.

And then I got the email. They offered the job to someone else! I completely lost it. I hit rock bottom. I felt like I was drowning in a pit of despair. I was trapped in this job that I hate and now there was no hope of any way out! I had pinned all of my hope to this job that now belonged to someone else. I was angry and confused. I felt so sad and betrayed. I cried out bitterly to God. Why?!! Why did this happen?!! What did I do to deserve this?!! Why would God want me to be miserable in my work? I thought and said things that I regretted. I yelled at my husband. I hated myself and felt responsible for the state of my life. What was I to do now? I didn't know how I could go on. I couldn't keep going back to that job that I hate. I just couldn't! What was I going to do? I wanted to completely give up on my job and my life. I felt lost.  

After tossing and turning all night I managed to drag myself to church the next morning, still feeling sorry for myself. I could hardly believe it when I heard the sermon. I thought that Pastor Greg was talking directly to me. I realize that the message was for me but that it was God who was doing the talking. Pastor Greg spoke about how the Lord has been working on him for the past month. He said that God was doing surgery on his soul and that he was removing the pride from his life. He said he didn't even know that he had this pride until the Lord showed it to him. He accounted that the process was very difficult and painful and that he fought it at first but that the Lord has helped him to grow spiritually into a completely new man. He said God was moving him to tell us all to give our sins and burdens over to God so he can work within us and heal us.

It was then that I recognized how selfish I was being. I wanted a perfect job and a perfect life and I was throwing a fit about it. I wanted things my way and I was not at all interested in what God wanted me to do. I realized that sometimes being in God's will is not easy and not comfortable. I went to the alter to pray and make myself right before the Lord. I felt humbled, cleansed and renewed.

I'm not going to tell you that I magically have a sudden love for my job because I don't. I can say that I do feel a sense of peace about the situation. I know that this journey that I'm on will probably continue to be difficult and somewhat painful. I've come to terms with the fact that for some reason the Lord wants me to be right where I am right now. He may have some kind of work for me there or maybe he will work within me through this experience to help me grow spiritually and be a better servant for him. Even though it's not easy to move on without knowing where God's plan will lead, I will go forward trusting in him and having faith that he knows what is best for me.

James 5:7-12

⁷ Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. ⁸ You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. ⁹ Don’t grumble against one another, brothers and sisters, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door!

¹⁰ Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. ¹¹ As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.
¹² Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. All you need to say is a simple “Yes” or “No.” Otherwise you will be condemned.
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Heaven

OK, here it is. The following words are simply the most treasured, intimate and precious words that I have received from the Lord. I have kept them close to me, in my heart and hidden from others. I have only shared them with a few trusted friends. They touch my soul so much that I can't help but weep every time that I read them. These words breathe spiritual life into me, soothing me with such peace and comfort that I can almost feel the Lord's arms wrapped around me as I read them. I realize that you may not have the same response to them because they are from our Heavenly Father and specific to me. I have actually considered never sharing these words with anyone because they are so intimate. I believe that the Lord gave me these words for a reason and wants me to share them with as many people as I can. Breathe them in and feel the presence of God as you read them.

July 3, 2009
Stay alert, my child. I am coming. When you least expect it, I will be here. Make sure you and those you love are ready. Tell them the Good News. There is so much more than just this life. You cannot even imagine the beauty of heaven. Your worries, cares, sickness and sin will all be left behind. You have perfection through me and will enjoy eternal perfection in heaven. The most beautiful part of heaven is being in the eternal, loving presence of my Heavenly Father. Imagine him wrapping his loving arms around you and giving you the best hug ever . . . that lasts forever. You have experienced only a small little slice of what heaven will be like: the feeling of the Holy Spirit in you, enjoying a moment of love and laughter with your family and friends, the feeling of having an open channel of worship to the Lord, the moment your son was placed in your arms for the very first time, the day you gave your life to me, the day your son will give his life to me, the day you married your best friend and true love, the moment that you realized the sacrifice I made for you so that you could be free from all of your sins, the day you realized that you too could have a personal, interactive relationship with me and our Heavenly Father, the day you really began to understand that I will love you no matter what, the first time you realized that you do make a difference in this world (when you played an integral part in saving someone's life,) the first time you realized that you do make a difference in the spiritual realm (you planted or watered a seed and helped lead someone to me.) This is only a small portion of what heaven will be. How much more, you cannot even imagine.

Revelation 21

21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”^[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. ² I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. ³ And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’^[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

⁵ He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
⁶ He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. ⁷ Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children."

Roadblock

Sometimes life is so hard. Making a decision that will affect your life and your family's life in a huge way is certainly difficult. So many hours of praying and waiting with still no clear direction from God is indeed a challenge. When this happens, I recommend that you follow your first instinct. It is usually the one that comes from your heart. If your heart is actively seeking God, this first instinct is usually the right one.

I believe that we can get in a place in our life when we just need a change. We can get burnt out and lose the passion that we once felt for what we've been doing for the last fourteen years. When we get to this point, any change can look good. I also believe that the devil can entice us into making a change that is not right for us at that time. He will make it look great. He can even make it look like it is something that is God's will.

Have you ever made an important decision and then discovered within about 2 days that you made the wrong one? It's such a horrible feeling. You can't go back to what you had before because what's done is done. And when you think about it you know you don't really want to go back because deep down inside it doesn't feel right to you anymore either. You're trapped. You feel caught between a rock and a hard place. You long for something different but aren't sure what that is or where that is. What do you do now? Who do you turn to?

Well, I believe the only answer is to turn to Jesus. He is always the right answer. Even when we have made the most horrible decisions possible, Jesus will always be right there beside us. He knows us even better than we know ourselves. He knows our deepest, most intimate thoughts . . . the things within our hearts that we've never told anyone about because we are too ashamed. Jesus knows all of this about us and he still loves us unconditionally. He loves us so much that he endured tremendous pain and suffering while he died for our sins. Who else do you know that has done this for you? He died for me and he died for you. Why did he do this? He did these things for us so that we could be saved from a horrible fate . . . eternal separation from God (also know as spending the rest of your life in hell.) What an amazing gift that is available to anyone who will accept it! What do you have to do to accept it? Simply acknowledge that you have sinned, ask Jesus to forgive you, recognize that he died for your sins and rose again and then ask him to guide your life. You will be amazed at what will happen. I know that I was.

So that's where I'm at right now. I'm realizing that I made the wrong decision. (Oh how difficult it is to admit that you're wrong, especially when it includes telling your husband that he was right.) But I'm also trusting in God. I'm looking to him as I take this one day at a time. I'm worshipping him in the midst of this turmoil. I'm seeking his face with all of my heart and soul. I know that I need him and can do nothing (NOTHING) without him. I will wait patiently as he finds a place for me. I also realize that God knew that I would make this wrong decision and I will try to accomplish his work while I am there. These are just a few of the words I got from the Lord this morning, "Oh, my child, I love you. I am yours and you are mine. Sometimes you must make the wrong decision to find the right one. I will bring good of this if you let me. Look to me and trust me in this. Continue to worship me with all of your heart, my daughter. I will never leave you: not in this, not ever. You are precious to me and I want what is good and right for you."

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Oh and one more thing. . . if you pray that God will block something if it is not his will and then you literally drive up to a road block on your way to the thing you've been praying about, take it seriously. It may indeed be God's way of telling you that he is "blocking" it.
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The End of a Journey

Lately as I work, I can't help but think about how my time there is almost over. I have only a few short days until this chapter of my life will end and a new chapter will begin. I remember when I first started fourteen and a half years ago as a brand new nurse. I was completely clueless and very naive. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. To be completely honest, it was pretty rough at first but I somehow survived and even prospered.

I have accumulated an abundance of knowledge over these years. My experience is truly priceless and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I feel like I've seen or done just about everything possible. I've encountered people at their best and people at their worst. I've been involved in situations that have made me cry from the deepest part of my soul, wondering why the Lord would allow someone to suffer so tremendously. I've enjoyed triumphs greater than I could have ever imagined. I'd like to think that I've touched the lives of some of my patients. Many of them have genuinely touched my life.

My coworkers have become like my family. I have had days that I don't think I could have endured without them. We've shared so many tears and a lot of laughter. We've been each other's listening ears and encouragers. I feel honored and privileged to have worked so closely with such a great group of people. We have worked together as one unit, doing whatever it takes to get the job done right. Anyone who wonders what real teamwork looks like should get a glimpse of the staff of an emergency department or trauma unit. I have really enjoyed working with them all of these years. They are an invaluable wealth of knowledge and experience. I would trust them completely with my own life. I will miss them so much. I am choking back tears just thinking about it as I type this.

It was very difficult for me to make this decision. I didn't really have a clear direction from the Lord in this. I believe that a lot of the uncertainty stemmed from the sacrifices that accompany this choice. I will be driving 19 miles farther and will be taking a significant pay cut initially. Sometimes we must make sacrifices to be in God's will. He has made the ultimate sacrifice for us and he expects us to sacrifice for him as well.

When I went to job shadow, I knew that the job would be a good fit for me and that I would enjoy it. I also had this overwhelming feeling that they need me and that I am meant to be there at this time in my life. I feel like I have made the right decision. I remember someone telling me once that God doesn't want us to be comfortable in our lives. He wants us to step outside of the box and rely completely on him. If we were always comfortable then we would probably feel very self-sufficient and would think we didn't need God at all.

I have to admit that I feel a bit anxious as I look forward to starting my new job. I had a complete meltdown the day I put in my two week notice. I literally sat on the living room floor sobbing as I wondered if I had made a huge mistake. Change, whether good or bad, is always difficult. We are safe in our daily routines, seeing the same people we see every day and doing the things we've done hundreds or thousands of times. It feels very uneasy to embark on a new journey when the future is uncertain. It's hard to take the first step when you can't see the rest of the staircase.

I will move forward in faith and trust in the Lord and his plan for me. I completely put this into his hands. I know that he has great things in store for me and probably a few new life lessons along the way.

2 Corinthians 5:7

⁷ For we live by faith, not by sight.

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Lucy's Lacy Summer Breeze Tank

I found this crochet pattern for free on ravelry. It was super easy and very quick. The link to this pattern on ravelry is here. This is the ravelry link to my personal pattern page. I did make some modifications from the original pattern. They are as follows:

I made the 12 - 18 months size. I used size H crochet hook. The blue yarn is Nashua Handknits creative focus silk. The ivory yarn is Patons silk bamboo yarn. I followed the pattern for the top bodice portion until it measured 2 3/4 inches. I worked the cluster stitch (bottom portion) until it measured 6 1/4 inches. I then used the contrasting ivory yarn to make 1 row of single crochet at the top of the bodice. I added my own lacy scalloped edging as follows:

Row 1: Sc, skip 2 st, then in next st (2 dc, ch 2, 2dc), skip 2 st, sc, repeat to the end of the row.
Row 2: Ch 4, sl st in ch 2 space, repeat to the end, ch 4, sl st into last sc.
Row 3: Sc, (2dc, ch 2, 2dc) into next ch 2 space, sc in next ch 4 space, repeat to end of row.

Repeat rows 2 & 3 until desired length, ending with Row 3.

For optional front flower:
Use size E hook.
DC2tog = work 1 dc into each of next 2sc until loop of each remains on hook, yo and through a 3 loops on hook.
Make 6ch, sl st into 1st ch to form ring.
1st Round: Ch1, work 15 sc into ring, sl st into 1st sc.
2nd Round: (Ch3, dc2tog over next 2 sc, ch 3, sl st into next sc) 5 times placing last sl st into last sc of previous round.

I then used the ivory yarn to weave 1 row of yarn below the bodice.

I made my straps as tie straps, sc x 2 for 20 rows into the following stitches of the ivorsy single crochet row at the top of the bodice: 8&9, 27&28, 44&45, 63&64.

Enjoy your fabulous new tank! I hope these notes are helpful!

Norah Jones Concert

Mike and I attended a Norah Jones concert this week and it was absolutely fabulous. Her voice is completely amazing. She has been my favorite vocalist for several years now. In my opinion, the tone and quality of her voice is unmatched by anyone else. She has what can only be described as a God-given gift. I thoroughly enjoyed the concert and could listen to her sing for hours. Actually, I believe I have listened to her music for hours. A great big thank you to my wonderful husband for taking me to this concert when I know he would have rather been doing a number of other things. I know the photo quality isn't great but I hope you enjoy the pics anyway.

Sky Cap Sleeve Top

Love, love, love this top! I’m very pleased with the way it turned out. It was fairly easy to knit, although you have to really pay attention when you start the cross-over section near the neckline. The yarn was great to work with and the color is absolutely gorgeous. The fit is perfect. I highly recommend this pattern. I can’t wait to wear it out! :) The only modification is that I omitted the waist tie. Here is the link to this top on my Ravelry page: http://www.ravelry.com/projects/Maybabie/cap-sleeve-top. Pictures by Ryan.

Summer Break

Hello all! I'm not sure how many people regularly read this blog. It really doesn't matter. I am trying to do something in this blog that I feel the Lord is prompting me to do. I didn't want to start this blog and felt sure that many of my friends and family would think I was completely nuts when I started blogging about God's word and His work in my life. I really don't care about that, though. All I know is that I am obediently following my Lord and Savior. That is the most important thing here. Honestly, this blog takes a lot of my time. Getting the words, scripture and photos just right actually is very time-consuming. I can literally spend hours on just one post. I try to make it just the way I think the Lord wants it.



Mike, Ryan and me

 As summer break quickly approaches, I am faced with a very difficult decision. I could continue to blog through the summer or I could take a little break. I certainly want to honor the Lord in this, so I prayed about it. I actually got the answer when I was praying for my son. I feel that God wants me to spend quality time with Ryan without exception. Being a good mother is important to me. I want to raise Ryan in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. I want to create lasting memories with Ryan over the summer. I love him beyond what I could have ever imagined. The answer seems so clear to me. While I strongly feel this blog is honoring the Lord and drawing others closer to Him, I must go with what I know is right and what I feel God wants me to do.

Proverbs 22:6

Start children off on the way they should go,
    and even when they are old they will not turn from it. 

Proverbs 29:17

¹⁷ Discipline your children, and they will give you peace;
    they will bring you the delights you desire.

This will be my last post for a while. I will be taking a summer break along with Ryan. I will try to post some quick pictures or very brief posts throughout the summer but there will be no extended posts until fall. I hope you all have a wonderfully blessed and safe summer. Enjoy your family and friends and try to live every day to it's fullest. You don't know what plans God has for you and what day will be your last. God bless and take care. :)
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Squirrels! Ugghh!



Our front yard

We live on a  scarcely wooded four acre lot in the country. The setting is really quite peaceful and beautiful. The trees are spaced fairly far apart and create a wonderful habitat for wildlife. We have a variety of birds and small woodland creatures in are yard. I have seen rabbits, raccoons, geese, an occasional snake and of course squirrels. We have a ton of squirrels in our yard. Apparently squirrels like Shagbark Hickory trees and boy do we have a lot of those! Well anyway, I'm sure that you probably think we coincide peacefully with God's creatures around us. This is not the case. When we first built our house in this wooded area, I loved watching all of the squirrels playfully chase each other around our yard. I thought they were adorable creatures that wouldn't harm anyone. Now I have a very different opinion of squirrels. I truly feel like they have literally waged war on us and our house. I'm pretty sure they are quite angry that we built our house smack-dab in the middle of their paradise.

I remember how distraught I was the first time I found my partially dead flowers laying on the concrete by the pots I had planted a couple of days earlier. "Who or what would have done something like this?" I thought to myself. Oh how many plants I have pain-stakingly placed in a pot or a flowerbed that have died at the hands (or paws, rather) of a squirrel. The senseless deaths of so many poor, defenseless plants. So sad.

And then there are the holes that I have found in the siding of our house. One day I was walking through the dining room when I heard some kind of scratching on the front porch. I looked out the window to see a squirrel chewing on our house. (Seriously!) I went out onto the porch to see several holes on the edges of our siding that I had never noticed before. The holes were all along our front porch siding from the concrete to about 3 feet high. I couldn't hardly believe it!



Bird feeder with squirrel-guard



I also recall a couple of years ago when we got a birdhouse for Christmas. We put it out on a post in our back yard that next spring. The bird feeder turned out to be a squirrel feeder. The feed lasted approximately three to four hours with those hogs around. The birds didn't have any food because the squirrels ate it all. We could see squirrel after squirrel shimmy its way up the narrow pole to the feeder. We tried putting sheet metal coated with Vaseline around the pole, thinking the squirrels would slide right off. The only thing that happened was that our squirrels got a sixties fur-do and I had to clean fur-encrusted dried Vaseline off the pole a few days later. It was literally a game that the squirrels were certainly winning. We were so excited when we finally beat them with the lovely round metal "squirrel-guard" that you see pictured.



Herb garden, squirrel-style



Just days ago another squirrel incident occurred. I planted an herb garden and I was pretty excited about it. I could practically see myself cooking up all of the wonderful meals with my fresh, home-grown herbs. I had worked in my flowerbeds all day and didn't get my herb garden finished that first day. I had the ground worked and the herbs planted but I still needed to put down some kind of weed barrier and mulch. I also needed to edge the garden with rocks. I decided to call it a day and finish it the next day. I was shocked when I looked out the window the next morning and saw that the squirrels had done their own landscaping in my new herb garden. There was one large hole and a few other small holes with various piles of dirt scattered about. I guess the squirrels didn't like the change in their habitat. (Obviously!)





The herb garden after the squirrels landscaped





The finished herb garden



It was then that I decided these little creatures and my unusual relationship with them would make an interesting post for my blog. I decided to go outside to take several pictures of them in action. I walked around our yard several times at various points in the day and wouldn't you know that not one of those squirrels would show their furry little faces! It figures! I'm sure they knew I was up to no good and wanted to capture their true personalities.





Well, as you can see I finally did get some good pictures of the squirrels in our yard. I hope you enjoy looking at them as much as I enjoyed taking them. I have to admit that when I watch them play and scurry about our yard, I can't help but think that they are pretty cute. Even after everything they have put us through, I still kind of like having them around.

On second thought, after reviewing the damage from the plant massacre last night, I think I'll have to come to terms with the fact that the squirrels and I are never going to be friends. I believe our relationship will always be comparable to that of Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd . . . Tom and Jerry . . . Wiley Coyote and the roadrunner. What do you think? Does anyone have any ideas about how I can win this war?


















This is what I sprinkled on my potted plants to keep the squirrels away. It obviously didn't work.