The Other Side of the Door

As I sit here staring at my blank computer screen, I think back on everything that's happened in the last year and I wonder how I'm ever going to put into words all that I need to say. So much has happened that I can't even fathom how I can write about it and even do it justice. And then I realize that I really shouldn't even worry about it. It's out of my hands. God will give me the words that He wants me to write. I just need to put this into His hands and it will turn out exactly as He planned.

I am such a changed person for what I've experienced in my life lately. I'm not saying that I've changed for the better. I've just changed. This year I hit absolutely the lowest point in my entire life. I was completely hopeless. I found myself in a situation that I didn't think I could endure anymore. I felt like there was no way out and no one to talk to that would even begin to understand how I felt. I'm certain that my husband thought I was completely crazy when I tried to talk to him about my feelings. He was the only one I really talked to about the situation. I kept everything under wraps from everyone else. I felt so alone.

I needed God desperately and I felt like He wasn't there anymore. I couldn't feel Him. I didn't hear from Him like I once did. I grew so far from Him that eventually I just stopped looking for Him. I spent my days feeling sorry for myself and wondering if and how I would ever get out of the horror that I was living. I spiraled quickly into a total mess that couldn't even get through a day without crying at least twice. I hated who I had become and thought I would never again be that strong, spiritual woman I had once been.

And then God opened a door for me. After eight months of enduring what seemed like hell, it ended. That trial was finally over! And much to my surprise, I had survived! I was worn and ragged, but I made it through nonetheless. That chapter of my life closed and a new one began.

My new endeavor started one month ago today. I found myself again in unchartered waters. I was scared to embark on another new journey. I again felt vulnerable and clueless. I put my faith in God and pushed forward.

I'm pleased to say that I'm really happy in my new journey. It's completely different than anything I've ever done but it's rewarding and I feel good about what I'm doing. It has resulted in many changes for me and my family. I have considerably less alone time now but more time with my family. I still have a lot to learn as I continue on this path.

I certainly am still not where I once was spiritually. I think back about how close I was to the Lord and it saddens me that I'm not there anymore. I felt like I had such a personal, even supernatural relationship with God. I miss that. I regret more than anything that I've lost that. I can't even really explain what it felt like to experience God in that way. It was like an overwhelming sense of peace resulting in a warm tingling that seemed to envelope my whole body. It was a fullness in my chest during worship that I knew without a doubt was the Holy Spirit. It was a feeling that God had this and God had me and everything would be alright.

Well, now I must turn my eyes to Jesus and seek Him with everything that I have. My personal goal is to grow again in the Lord and to accomplish His purpose for me. I would love to experience Him again in the ways that I once have. I have a feeling that through this recent trial that I have endured, God was preparing me for something even greater than I can imagine.

Mark 12:30

New International Version (NIV)

³⁰ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.
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The Courage of Esther

I sat in church this morning awaiting the usual Mother's Day sermon, expecting to be crying by the end of the service. Usually Mother's Day brings a sermon that makes me question what kind of a mother I really am. I can still remember how completely incompetent I felt a few years ago when the Mother's Day sermon was about the wife of noble character from Proverbs 31:10- 31. I don't know a single woman who would live up to those standards. I'm not saying these sermons are bad. I will be the first to admit that I think everyone needs to hear a sermon that really makes them feel convicted every now and then. I believe this will make us evaluate who we are as a Christian, a parent, a spouse, etc and then strive to become the best person we can be. However, such was not the case this morning in church. The sermon came from a forgotten book in the Old Testament called Esther. When I first became a Christian, I read the entire Bible from beginning to end in about a year. For some unknown reason I completely did not remember reading the book of Esther. I found myself sitting and listening intently as the sermon unfolded, enthralled by the life of Esther.

Esther was a young Jewish girl when the king began his search for a queen. A quest for beautiful young virgins began in the kingdom. Esther lost her parents as a child and was being raised by her uncle. Esther, who was a young to mid teen, was chosen for her beauty and taken against her will to the palace with several other young women. She spent the next year of her life undergoing extensive beauty treatments before she could even meet the king. During her first meeting with the king, she lost her virginity to him. All of the chosen virgins would lose their virginity to the king. This could have been the only time Esther ever met the king. She did find favor with the king and became his queen. All along, she kept her Jewish heritage a secret. I thought about Esther's life and what dreams she might have had. What did she give up when she was taken from her family?

While Esther was queen, she learned of a plot to kill all Jews in the kingdom. Upon the prompting of a close nobleman, the king issued a decree to support this plan. Esther's uncle asked her to go before the king to try to stop this command. Esther informed her uncle that anyone who went before the king without being summoned would die unless the king held out his golden scepter to have that person's life spared. Her uncle again pleaded that Esther intercede on behalf of her people. She agreed to go before the king with this request. Can you imagine how difficult this decision must have been for Esther? She, a teenager, had the weight of every Jewish person's life on her shoulders. She knew she could have been easily put to death for approaching the king about this matter. When she did decide to go through with it, she instructed her uncle to have all of the Jews fast and pray for her for three days. She and her maids also fasted and prayed for three days.

Esther went before the king and he not only spared her life but the lives of all of the Jewish people. He sent another decree to allow all of the Jewish people to defend themselves against their attackers. (No decree from the king could ever be revoked, therefore the previous decree still stood.) The Jews successfully fought off thousands of enemies. The nobleman responsible for formulating the plot was hung and Esther's uncle took his place as second to the king.

I think this story is an amazing testimony of God's awesome power. He used Esther in her unfortunate circumstances to accomplish His will for His people. He placed her there in the palace in a position of influence. She was one person who followed God's prompting and saved the lives of thousands of God's people. What if she decided to ignore God's request? What would have happened to the Jewish people? Esther's courageous act completely overwhelms me. I think of my own life and the daily decisions I make and I can't even begin to compare them to the magnitude of Esther's difficult decision. I admire her for her selflessness as she put her own life on the line for her people. I wonder if I would have the courage to do the same. Sometimes I can feel God tapping me on the shoulder and telling me to do something that seems completely out of the question to me at the time. Thoughts of failure and ridicule plague my mind as I ponder the unimaginable task the Lord has planned for me. I will try to remember Esther and her inspiring story as I go about my own life. When I feel God telling me to do something, I will try to follow the Lord's plan, with His constant help, of course. I would hate to think about what would happen if I decided to ignore God's prompting and not fulfill His plan for me.

Oh, and one last thing. Did you catch the part about the fasting and prayer? Esther didn't do anything until she and many other people fasted and prayed about it for three days. God wants us to pray about things before we do them. He wants us to consult Him in all of our decisions and the way to do this is through prayer. I completely believe that if Esther and others hadn't prayed about it first, Esther may have failed. Esther was wise beyond her years when she decided to pray first. If we don't ask, we can't receive.

Matthew 7:8
For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Mark 11:24
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
John 16:24
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
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Parenting

This post is going to be short and sweet. If you think having a good marriage is difficult, try being a parent. It sometimes seems impossible. How someone could be a parent and not pray every single day just completely baffles me. I certainly can't be a good parent on my own. A verse that I read within the last week seems very appropriate now.

Mark 10:27
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

I'm so thankful for the Lord and His presence in my life.

Beautiful Snowflake

The closer I draw to the Lord, the more I see His amazing work in my life. He is all around me, in every detail of my life. I see Him in the people, situations and single moments in my life. I"m not sure why I didn't notice the magnitude of His work in my life before. I'm certain that He has always been at work around me. Perhaps I have been motivated by my own selfish desires and too wrapped up in my own agenda to notice Him. The more I seek Him, the more I see Him all around me. To be completely honest, He absolutely astonishes me with His goodness and blessings. I see things now that I never noticed before. I would love to share some of these things with you.

A few weeks ago I met a woman that is truly a servant of God. Lets call her Beth. Beth was a complete stranger when the Lord crossed her path with mine for a brief moment. She has been caring for her disabled teenage son for all of his life. Her son is unable to walk. Beth provides all of his care, including lifting him regularly by herself. She also takes care of her 90 year old grandmother. Beth's grandmother has an arm fracture and is also unable to walk. Beth provides all of her grandmother's care, including lifting her regularly by herself. I could see that Beth was overwhelmed with her responsibilities so I discussed with Beth the possibility of placing her grandmother in an extended care facility. Beth said that she would never let that happen. She said that her grandmother raised her because her alcoholic, drug-addicted mother left her and her father when she was an infant. Beth said that she knows that God will help her care for her family. I admire Beth and her selflessness. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for her to care for her family daily. I'm sure she must make regular sacrifices to provide for them in this way. As I reflect on Beth, I know that I probably wouldn't have given her another thought if not for God's prompting. I find that Beth is frequently on my mind and I pray for her and her family often. I feel like I can see God's good in people now. I was once judgemental and critical of others.



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This weekend we went to the grocery store. I know that this doesn't sound very profound. As we were walking through the parking lot, we couldn't help but notice the huge, fluffy clumps of snow falling from the sky. We have had very little snow so far this winter so we marveled at the beauty of the snowfall. My son and I stopped to catch some of the falling snow on our coat sleeves. As we looked at the clumps of snow, we noticed that each clump was made up of several intricately-detailed snowflakes stuck together. Each snowflake was beautiful but different from the other. I couldn't help but wonder how anyone could look at a snowflake and not know for sure that there is an Awesome Creator. The amazing detail of each snowflake is certainly not something that can happen by chance. Isn't God cool that He makes these beautiful little masterpieces fall all around us every time that it snows? And then I thought about how small each individual flake is and how many, many flakes clumped together can create a complete transformation of the world around us. I compared it to each one of God's children. He makes us all beautiful in our own way. However, we can still feel small and insignificant in this vast and sometimes brutal world around us. When we join in His name with His other servants to become His body of Christ, we can accomplish things that would be otherwise insurmountable.

Yesterday I cleaned the house. I hate cleaning the house. Besides having dental work or a medical procedure, cleaning the house is my least favorite thing to do. Well, anyway, I cleaned the house because it really needed to be done. I decided to listen to my Ipod to make the experience more pleasant. I knew that my Ipod wasn't completely charged. When I turned it on, I noticed that it had slightly less than half of the battery. I started playing my "worship songs" playlist and went about the business of cleaning, expecting my Ipod to die within about an hour. Roughly an hour later, I barely heard the phone ringing. I stopped the music and answered the phone. When I hung up, I looked at my Ipod again. The battery bar was red now and showed pretty much no battery left. Well, I decided to keep listening to my worship music since it hadn't died yet. Our cat followed me around the house and looked at me like I was a freak as I belted out all of my favorite worship songs. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I cleaned at least another two and a half hours and my Ipod never died. Such a God thing. :)

As I was dusting the shelves in our living room, I noticed the two small wooden shoes that my grandparents had carved several years ago. I have dusted the same shoes many times before. As I was listening to my worship music and praising God while I cleaned, a new thought popped into my mind. I thought about the tiny wooden shoes and how we obtained them. I remembered that it was back when I was a freshman in high school and I was dating my husband. I took him to our family Christmas at my grandparents' house. My grandmother was a kind and loving woman that would never want anyone to feel uncomfortable or unloved. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was very surprised when he was presented with the small gift to open. My grandmother had given him the small wooden shoe that my grandfather had carved and she had stained. Not more than a month later, Mike and I broke up. I never really thought about the shoe after that. We of course got back together (two years later). Just a few months after Christmas, my grandmother was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. She died that spring. I still miss her so much even now. I had a very close, special relationship with her and my grandfather. When she died, our family fell apart. She was that special ingredient, the glue that held everything together. As I held the shoes I thought about how she is still so much a part of me today. I wouldn't be who I am now without her and the experiences we shared. Then I wondered when I got the other shoe. I thought I could remember getting it as a birthday present when I was a child. My grandparents always gave us hand-carved pieces as gifts. How awesome to now have these two shoes together as a pair, one appropriately smaller and than the other. They remind me of my husband and I being a pair and walking through life together. I am thankful that the Lord brought these things to my mind again. How awesome He is that He brought these two shoes back together. He knew those many years ago that they would be a pair someday. He also knew how special it would be that my grandmother was such a big part of that story.

I attribute my new found spiritual clarity to being closer to God. He is making me more like Him and therefore I can see Him all around me with renewed clarity. The following scripture says it better than I ever could.

1 Corinthians 2:6-16

God’s Wisdom Revealed by the Spirit

 ⁶ We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. ⁷ No, we declare God’s wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. ⁸ None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. ⁹ However, as it is written:

   “What no eye has seen,
   what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”^[a]—
   the things God has prepared for those who love him—

 ¹⁰ these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.

   The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. ¹¹ For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. ¹² What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. ¹³ This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words.^{[b] 14} The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. ¹⁵ The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, ¹⁶ for,

   “Who has known the mind of the Lord
   so as to instruct him?”^[c]
   But we have the mind of Christ.

As I was working on this post, which I had already entitled "Beautiful Snowflake," I opened my Dove chocolate to the following message:


another God thing!

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A Miracle Witnessed

I would like to share with you the story of a true miracle. Everything you are about to read is the absolute truth.

I was a 21 year old college student when I noticed a large mass protruding from the right side of my abdomen. You could see the mass with your eyes and feel the mass with your hands. I knew this was obviously not normal so I went to see my doctor. He was perplexed and sent me to a local surgeon. The surgeon was also perplexed. He ordered an ultrasound of my gallbladder. While I was having the ultrasound, the technician said she needed to go get the radiologist. I sensed that this was a bad sign. The radiologist returned to tell me that there appeared to be a large mass in my liver. A CT scan was scheduled for a few days after this. After I had the CT scan, my mother and I were informed that I had multiple inoperable tumors throughout my abdomen. The report indicated that I had tumors in my liver and pancreas as well as a large tumor wrapped around my aorta. I was in shock. INOPERABLE! Translation: you are going to die from these tumors! A biopsy guided by CT scan was scheduled for 2 weeks later. I informed my family and friends of the bad news. Everyone, including me, was in total shock. I was young and healthy. How could I be dying?

I had a good friend at the time who was a minister's daughter and a Christian. Her name is Amy. Amy told me that she and her family as well as her entire church congregation would be praying for me and my health issues. I was grateful and thanked her but I didn't really expect much to result from the prayers. I was not a Christian at the time. To say the least, I was completely clueless about the things of God.

 I went to have the biopsy 2 weeks later. The radiologist was dumbfounded. "Why?" you ask. Because this CT scan only showed one tumor, in my liver. There were no other tumors in my pancreas, around my aorta or in any other part of my abdomen. I asked the radiologist if perhaps the first CT scan showed all of the "tumors" because the contrast that I drank didn't distribute properly to all areas of my abdomen and just made it look like I had tumors. He said that this was not possible and that several physicians from the area had met to look at my previous CT scan. He said that they all had agreed that I had multiple inoperable tumors. The radiologist said that he couldn't explain why the other tumors were gone and that I should consider it a miracle. I proceeded to have the tumor in my liver biopsied. It was benign. I did end up having a liver resection (a large portion of my liver removed) and my gallbladder removed.

Now that I am a Christian, I look back on all that has happened in my life and the ways that God has worked in my life that I didn't recognize then. Certainly, the fact that he saved me from inoperable cancer is nothing other than a miracle. I am so thankful to the Lord for everything in my life, including my health and well-being. I am completely healthy and cancer-free to this day. I'm not saying that having a major surgery was easy, but I can see how God used that time in my life to draw me closer to him. Everything that happens in my life is part of his master plan for me. I feel so blessed that he performed a true miracle in me and that I can use that miracle to touch the lives of others.

I prayed about what words the Lord wanted me to share today. These are the words that he gave me:

     I perform miracles everyday. Some miracles are small and barely noticed, like each breath of air you breathe or the beauty of the sun's rays providing energy and life to plants and trees. Other miracles are huge and unexplainable, like the healing of someone with a terminal illness or the survival of a person involved in a horrific accident.

     There is nothing I cannot do. I created the heavens and the earth. I created every living thing. I formed you when you were in the womb. My power and might is beyond what you are even capable of imagining. I can move mountains if I want to. I heal the smallest cut without you even thinking of how it heals - it is a miracle. All things I have created are miracles in themselves. Think of the conception, development and birth of a child. Is that not a miracle? What about the sacrifice of my son, Jesus so that you can live free of sin and guilt and spend an eternity in my presence? Is this not the greatest miracle of all? My children are so wrapped up in their busy lives that they can't even see all of the miracles around them. Take the time to look around you and see all of the wondrous miracles I've placed in your life. Look at the sun, the stars, the moon and the clouds. Observe the majestic view from a mountain top. Watch the sun sink into the horizon as it sets over the ocean. Examine a single flower or butterfly in all of it's beauty. Look at your own body and all of it's miracles - the very beating of your own heart that circulates oxygen-rich blood to all of your tissues.

     Do not take all of these miracles for granted. Notice them and breathe them in. I did not create the earth and all of it's miracles for me, I created them for you. That's how much I love you. When you notice one of the many miracles around you, take the time to acknowledge me in it and spend some time with me.

Psalm 77:10-15
¹⁰ Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
   the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
¹¹ I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
   yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
¹² I will consider all your works
   and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
 ¹³ Your ways, God, are holy.
   What god is as great as our God?
¹⁴ You are the God who performs miracles;
   you display your power among the peoples.
¹⁵ With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
   the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

Being healed from cancer isn't the only miracle I have experienced. The Lord has healed me physically as well as spiritually. My Heavenly Father has healed my body and my soul. If you want to read about how the Lord saved me from certain death and an eternity without him, please read Salvation in my November 2011 blog archive. If you want to read more about how to have your soul saved from certain death, please read A Fresh Perspective in my December 2011 blog archive. 

Have you witnessed a miracle, big or small? If you have, I would love to hear about it. Have a great day.
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Be Still

I sang during worship service yesterday for the first time in several months. I sang "Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant. It is a great song. However, I don't particularly care for singing in front of a group of people. The main reason is because I get terribly nervous (especially if I am doing a solo.) I used to literally get sick before singing. I would get nauseated and sweaty. My heart would race. My stomach would grumble and growl to the point that I would have to rush to the church, hoping I would make it there in time. My desire would be to not sing at church. Ever. But the fact is that God gave me the gift to sing and he wants me to use that gift to further his kingdom. Apparently he wants me to sing in front of a large congregation on a regular basis. When you stop and think about it, you might wonder why God would give this particular gift to a person with stage fright. I have actually thought about that a lot. I read somewhere that God doesn't want us to be too comfortable because if we were then we would stop needing him and stop seeking him. I believe that he therefore gives his children gifts that are "outside of the box" to draw us closer to him.

All I know is that I was standing on the platform preparing to sing. Pastor Brian was praying for offertory. My heart started pounding harder and faster. I started to feel weak and shaky. And then my mind took off. What if I forgot the words? (Even though I had them in large print on the stand in front of me.) I have forgotten the words before and trust me that is a very unpleasant situation. What if I started to sing and a frog-like croak came out instead? What if everyone hated it? What if? What if? What if? I know that this was Satan's way of trying to ruin God's worship time. I had prayed about it already that morning several times and I continued to pray as I stood there waiting. God, please help me. I can't do this without you. I felt the Lord saying the same words I had heard before. "I've got this. I've got you." He also brought a scripture verse to my mind, "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10) He let me know that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about my performance. It isn't even a "performance" at all, it is worship to my Heavenly Father and as long as I follow his will and let him do his work in me, it will be pleasing to him. I gave it to him. My anxiety started to subside some. I admit that when I sang the first line my voice was weak and it wavered. I was determined that I was going to do this in a way that was pleasing to my Lord. The rest of the song went smoothly and I feel like it honored God. Now I just had to do it all over again for 2nd service! I felt a sense of satisfaction in knowing that Satan did not win this round. Mark 10:27 reads, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

I would love to know about a time when you had to step out of your comfort zone to do God's work. Please leave a comment to let me know about this. Thank you in advance!

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