The Raspberry Patch

In complete transparency I have been avoiding writing this post. I have been feeling pressured to deliver something amazing; something better than the previous post and the post before that. And so I have been dragging my feet and avoiding writing this post. 

Here's another confession: I am a total perfectionist. Anyone who knows me at all is aware of this. I desire to be perfect in all that I do. I struggle to let things go because of my ongoing desire for perfection. I spend hours upon hours working to create end products that are completely perfect. One example of this involves black raspberries. We live on a small farm that has some overgrown fence rows that contain many, many wild raspberry bushes. I didn't realize how many raspberries there were until I become intent upon picking them. I decided that it was my job to pick all of the black raspberries so they would not go to waste. I picked raspberries for hours in 88 degree weather while wearing long pants and long sleeves to deter ticks and injury from thorns. I was determined as I entered unchartered raspberry patches while enduring thorns that ripped through my clothes and into the tender skin on my arms, hands, and legs. I became overwhelmed by the sheer number of raspberries. I was a woman possessed. I was scraped, poked, scratched, and bleeding. I looked like small animals had mauled me during me sleep. After three and a half hours of picking, I finally realized that it was not feasible or healthy for me to pick every raspberry. I was only able to pick about one third of the raspberries. I decided to let the rest go, which was incredibly difficult for me as a perfectionist.

Before you continue on in this post, do yourself a favor and take a few minutes to listen to and reflect upon the song below. It is such a powerful song that will help to set the tone for the rest of this post. 

I don't know about you, but my desire for perfection is an ongoing battle that I struggle with daily that sometimes interrupts my ability to find peace within myself and my life. When I reflect upon this song and what it means to me, I realize that no matter how hard I try, I will never actually achieve perfection. I am human and will therefore never be perfect. I also realize that I don't have to be perfect. According to scripture, we don't have to be perfect because Jesus is perfect and He sacrificed His life to make us holy and perfect in the eyes of God. Please pause and take some time read about Jesus' death in John 19 and His resurrection in John 20. According to Hebrews 10: 14 - 18, we are made perfect through Jesus' sacrifice:

Because by one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy. The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First He says:

"This is the covenant I will make with them

after that time, says the Lord.

I will put my laws in their hearts,

and I will write them on their minds."

Then He adds:

"Their sins and lawless acts 

I will remember no more." 

And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin.

- Hebrews 10:14-18

So how do we receive this gift of perfection through Jesus' sacrifice? Let's look again to scripture:

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

- John 3:16

That if you confess with you mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in you heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. 

- Romans 10:9,10

You have to first believe in Jesus and His sacrificial death and resurrection. After that, you need to confess out loud to God that you are sinful and that you believe that you are saved through Jesus's sacrifice. You should then seek to become closer to God through regular prayer and bible reading. Ask God to help you to accomplish His purpose for you within your life. Seek Him often and with passion.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge Him,

and He will make your paths straight.

- Proverbs 3:5,6

But what does all of this mean in our ongoing struggle with perfection? As I mentioned above, we don't have to be perfect because Jesus makes us perfect through His sacrifice. The other thing that you need to know is that while God expects you to do work for Him and His kingdom while seeking His purpose for you, you will never achieve salvation or perfection through those good works; only through your acceptance of Jesus. So your good works or actions do not have to be perfect. If your actions align with God's will for your life, then He will use them for His greater purpose to draw you and others closer to Him. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

- Romans 8:28

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

- Ephesians 2:10

So the next time you are feeling overwhelmed with the pressure to be perfect, take a deep breath and just let it go. Ask God to take that burden from you. You don't have to be perfect. God created you to be unique and wonderful. He loves you for who you are. He will meet you where you are in all of your flaws and imperfection. And if you seek Him, He will use you and the work that you do for Him to further His kingdom. 

Continuous Worship

 

I listen to K-LOVE on a regular basis. I find it to be very encouraging and inspirational. The music really speaks to me. Just over a year ago, I signed up to receive the K-LOVE verse of the day. Shortly after, I started receiving daily notifications for my verse of the day, right on my cell phone. I received the same verse of the day. The same verse. Every. Day. I initially thought it was strange, but most likely just some kind of glitch. I performed a quick search on the K-LOVE website, their Facebook page, and even Google to see if anyone else reported the same issue. I found nothing. I proceeded on with my life, not thinking much more about it. A few months later, I decided to troubleshoot the issue again. I removed myself from receiving the verse of the day. I then signed up again to receive it. I still got that same verse on my phone every day. Hmmm. I have provided my verse of the day in the image below. 

After several more months of receiving that exact same verse every day, I began to think that perhaps God was trying to tell me something. (Sometimes I'm a little slow.) God works in some very mysterious ways. Maybe He was telling me that this verse was specifically intended for me to read and reflect upon every day. Hmmmm. Maybe it's one of my life verses. I thought about that. I really considered what the Lord was trying to tell me. 

Worship the Lord with gladness. Come before Him, singing with joy. - Psalm 100: 2

Worship Him with gladness. Come before him while singing with joy. Every. Day. Every single day. I got the picture. The Lord was telling me that I need to continuously worship Him, seek Him, and sing to him. Distracted with a doctorate program and a challenging full-time job, sadly I had not been doing that. What does it mean to continuously worship and seek the Lord? I believe that it may look different for each of God's children. For me, I have a sense that it means that I will have a constant open dialogue with God, like an ongoing conversation. I am to come to God daily, pray, worship through words and song, express my thanks for all that He has given me, discuss my fears and concerns, and ask for His divine assistance to help me to be the servant that he wants me to be.

It is clear as I stated above that the Lord wants us to constantly worship Him and seek Him. But what does it really mean to worship? According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, the term worship is both a verb and a noun. As a verb, worship means: 

1. "to honor or show reverence for as a divine being or supernatural power"
2. "to regard with great or extravagant respect, honor, or devotion"

The term worship as a noun means:

1. "reverence offered a divine being or supernatural power"
2. "a form of religious practice with its creed and ritual"
3. "extravagant respect or admiration for or devotion to an object of esteem"

Worship is a verb, which indicates that we as God's children can perform or carry out worship as an action to exalt Him and draw nearer to Him. As a noun, worship can be considered a thing, such as our offering to God to express our faith in Him and praise for His awesomeness. Did you notice that third definition of worship as a noun? It indicates that we can also worship objects. Oh my! Our God is a jealous God. We are to reserve our worship for Him alone!

You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and and keep my commandments.

- Exodus 20: 4 - 6

We are to worship nobody and nothing besides the Lord God Our Heavenly Father and Creator. I know what you're thinking. When would you ever create an idol and then worship it? But what you may not understand is that we have those idols in our lives already in the form of money, clothing, shoes, cars, make-up, etc. When we put those things above God, it is like we are worshiping those things instead of him. If you put a famous athlete or movie star above the Lord, you are worshipping that person instead of God. He deserves our continuous worship as our All-Powerful, Loving Creator. We need that worship to strengthen our relationship with Him. We were created to worship Him. 

It seems appropriate to close this post with one of my favorite worship songs ever. I hope that you enjoy it and find that it brings you into a more meaningful place as you worship the Lord.

In the Desert

I've been in the desert: a spiritual desert. For four years I have been lacking spiritual growth and fulfilment. In the midst of one of the most difficult times in my life, I did not seek God as I should have and I suffered the consequences of my actions. I am still suffering. I was so busy with my life; all of those tasks. I felt that I had to do what I needed to do for my job, my research, and my dissertation. I put God up on this shelf that I rarely visited while I reached a level of function and performance that was honestly amazing. I was like a well-oiled machine. When my research was finished and my dissertation was finally completed, I found myself wandering in the desert and I was so very thirsty. And God was still on that shelf.

As the deer pants for streams of water,

so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

When can I go and meet with God? - Psalm 42: 1, 2

Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." - John 7: 37, 38

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." - John 4: 13, 14

So I began to search for that Living Water to start to quench my thirst. I prayed. I prayed some more. What did the Lord want me to do? I felt awkward. What was I going to do with myself now that my workload decreased to one fourth of what it had been? I found self care again. I began to run regularly. I prayed again. And again after that. I began knitting a sweater. (I still remembered how to knit!) I watched the movie God's Not Dead. I had seen it before and really enjoyed it. However, I was again really impressed yet also very humbled by that movie. Josh, the protagonist in the movie, displayed the kind of faith and courage that I hope to possess one day. He fought for God against great adversity. He made sacrifices within his own life to stand up for God when it seemed that nobody supported him and the easier option would be to deny God. I breathed it in and reflected upon my own geography just on the edge of the desert.

I started reading books that did not relate to research methodology or APA formatting. I found the book All My Knotted-Up Life: A Memoir by Beth Moore. I struggled to really gain interest initially. However, after some consideration, I decided to continue to push through. And then it really clicked for me. I finished the book at a rather slow pace for me, trying to soak in every bit of it. It was a truly amazing, inspirational book. I laughed out loud many times. I cried repeatedly. It was so raw, yet also very polished and thoughtful. Beth Moore laid everything out there, which I appreciated so much. As I learned about Beth's life experiences and how she sought the face of God in everything that she did, I found myself reflecting upon my own life and how I want to seek God. I was inching slightly further toward the edge of the desert.

I dug into the bible. I prayed more. I came to the understanding that the Lord wanted me to come to him. I am His daughter. He missed me and has been looking forward to my return. The Lord also knows me better than I know myself. He knows that I need something to do; a special project to keep me on track. Something to fill all of that time that I devoted to the doctorate program that is now just awkward emptiness. And so this blog was born again out of my necessity for purpose while I begin to seek the face of God again. It is my accountability partner. Through this blog I will continue to find spiritual growth and nearness to my Heavenly Father. I will drink deeply from the Living Water to quench my great thirst for Jesus. My hope is that others may find some inspiration in this journey and quench their thirst as well. 

Lost and Broken

I sit here lost and broken, a shell of the person I once was. I longingly recall a time of spiritual growth and fervor, a time when I sought the Lord with all of my heart and soul. My closeness to God was almost palpable. I was on fire for the Lord and I didn't care who knew it. Actually, I wanted everyone to know about my thirst for God and I made it a priority to tell them. I experienced a peace and joy that can only be described as supernatural. Regardless of life's difficulties, my peace remained constant. It was amazing and intoxicating. I was a true child of God. I felt his love as if it were pouring into me.

And now here I sit. Lost. Broken. My closeness to God has dissipated. My longing for that overwhelming peace, joy, and love causes an almost physical pain.

I think back, wondering exactly how I ended up here; in this place where I have very little connection to God. It didn't happen overnight. I believe that it gradually slipped away over months and years of apathy and lack of motivation. I let other things take priority over God.
A new job...
A master's program...
My own selfishness and desire...
My phone with all of the apps and games...

I stopped blogging.
I stopped reading the Bible.
My prayers became very infrequent.
My church attendance waned.
I stopped listening for God.
I stopped listening to God.
I stopped seeking God.

All of these things happened. Actually, they didn't happen. And now here I am. Where am I? I'm not sure. I feel like I've lost myself. The person who I have become is not the person who I want to be. She's not the person who I used to be. She is irritable, sarcastic, and downright mean at times. That is not the person who I long to be or who God expects me to be. There are times when I feel as if spiritual warfare is taking place all around me and sometimes within me. I feel restless.

How do I get back to where I once was? Going back is impossible. I can only move forward from here: commitment and motivation to seek God with all of my heart, one step at a time, one day at a time.

Lost

I sit here staring at this blank screen wondering how I'm going to say everything that I need to say. It's not that I don't feel like I can get it all out there, it's that I want to do it in a way that is most pleasing to God. I want to honor him with these words and with my life. Writing has always come easily to me and I know now that this is one of my God-given gifts. I often feel like I'm not even the one writing these words. They can flow through me so readily and rapidly that I feel more like an instrument for the words of God to flow through.

I realize that unless you have experienced God in this way, you may not understand what I'm even talking about. I have experienced Our Heavenly Father in a way that many others may not even know is possible. I am blessed to have seen him, heard him and felt him in my life. I have physically heard his voice calling my name. I have seen images that can only be described as from the spiritual realm. I have felt the physical touch of his hand on the back of my neck. Most of these experiences have come to me late at night while I am drifting off to sleep. I have often wondered if this is the ideal time for God to interact with me because my mind is at rest and free from distraction.

Well, anyway, I'm really just stalling because I know that what I need to say is going to be difficult. Admitting your own weakness is certainly never easy. I'll start by saying that lately I have been so consumed by the negative aspects of my life that I haven't even been living my life. Let me take you back to the very beginning . . .

I had felt for several months that I needed to make a job change. I can't really explain it other than I just knew it was time for me to move on and that God's work for me was somewhere else. I found a job at a completely different facility. I applied, interviewed and was offered the job. I struggled greatly with my decision. I didn't really feel like I had a sense of what God wanted me to do. After much prayer, I decided to take the job.

I knew by day two of orientation that I had made a huge mistake. I was not happy in my new job. I continued on, hoping that the newness would wear off, my uneasiness would subside and I would grow to like my new endeavor. That didn't happen. My dislike grew to hatred and I gradually became completely consumed by trying to figure out how to get out of my new job. I was desperate for an immediate change. I was beginning to make myself and my family miserable. I couldn't function outside of my job. I feel like I was trying to do a decent job in my work and my superiors told me that they were very pleased with how I was doing. However, outside of work I completely shut down. All of my relationships began to suffer. I felt so sorry for myself that I could barely function. I put everything on hold, pending on my much-anticipated job change. I was just waiting for my life to return to a more favorable state. I stopped doing God's work. I stopped singing with the worship team at church. I eventually stopped posting in my blog. I no longer read the bible on a regular basis.

I will say that I prayed all the time. I prayed for my family and friends, but I mostly prayed for myself and my job issues. I begged and pleaded with the Lord several times each day.  My vision blurred on the long drives to and from work as I wept bitterly, pouring my heart out to God.

I then discovered a new job. It was completely different from my previous work. I could really see myself in this job and I thought that I would really prosper in this new opportunity. It was a newly-created position that I thought God made just for me. I soared quickly and easily through the interview process. I was told that my interview was excellent and that I presented myself very well. I thought the job was surely mine.

And then I got the email. They offered the job to someone else! I completely lost it. I hit rock bottom. I felt like I was drowning in a pit of despair. I was trapped in this job that I hate and now there was no hope of any way out! I had pinned all of my hope to this job that now belonged to someone else. I was angry and confused. I felt so sad and betrayed. I cried out bitterly to God. Why?!! Why did this happen?!! What did I do to deserve this?!! Why would God want me to be miserable in my work? I thought and said things that I regretted. I yelled at my husband. I hated myself and felt responsible for the state of my life. What was I to do now? I didn't know how I could go on. I couldn't keep going back to that job that I hate. I just couldn't! What was I going to do? I wanted to completely give up on my job and my life. I felt lost.  

After tossing and turning all night I managed to drag myself to church the next morning, still feeling sorry for myself. I could hardly believe it when I heard the sermon. I thought that Pastor Greg was talking directly to me. I realize that the message was for me but that it was God who was doing the talking. Pastor Greg spoke about how the Lord has been working on him for the past month. He said that God was doing surgery on his soul and that he was removing the pride from his life. He said he didn't even know that he had this pride until the Lord showed it to him. He accounted that the process was very difficult and painful and that he fought it at first but that the Lord has helped him to grow spiritually into a completely new man. He said God was moving him to tell us all to give our sins and burdens over to God so he can work within us and heal us.

It was then that I recognized how selfish I was being. I wanted a perfect job and a perfect life and I was throwing a fit about it. I wanted things my way and I was not at all interested in what God wanted me to do. I realized that sometimes being in God's will is not easy and not comfortable. I went to the alter to pray and make myself right before the Lord. I felt humbled, cleansed and renewed.

I'm not going to tell you that I magically have a sudden love for my job because I don't. I can say that I do feel a sense of peace about the situation. I know that this journey that I'm on will probably continue to be difficult and somewhat painful. I've come to terms with the fact that for some reason the Lord wants me to be right where I am right now. He may have some kind of work for me there or maybe he will work within me through this experience to help me grow spiritually and be a better servant for him. Even though it's not easy to move on without knowing where God's plan will lead, I will go forward trusting in him and having faith that he knows what is best for me.

James 5:7-12

⁷ Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. ⁸ You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. ⁹ Don’t grumble against one another, brothers and sisters, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door!

¹⁰ Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. ¹¹ As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.
¹² Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. All you need to say is a simple “Yes” or “No.” Otherwise you will be condemned.
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Roadblock

Sometimes life is so hard. Making a decision that will affect your life and your family's life in a huge way is certainly difficult. So many hours of praying and waiting with still no clear direction from God is indeed a challenge. When this happens, I recommend that you follow your first instinct. It is usually the one that comes from your heart. If your heart is actively seeking God, this first instinct is usually the right one.

I believe that we can get in a place in our life when we just need a change. We can get burnt out and lose the passion that we once felt for what we've been doing for the last fourteen years. When we get to this point, any change can look good. I also believe that the devil can entice us into making a change that is not right for us at that time. He will make it look great. He can even make it look like it is something that is God's will.

Have you ever made an important decision and then discovered within about 2 days that you made the wrong one? It's such a horrible feeling. You can't go back to what you had before because what's done is done. And when you think about it you know you don't really want to go back because deep down inside it doesn't feel right to you anymore either. You're trapped. You feel caught between a rock and a hard place. You long for something different but aren't sure what that is or where that is. What do you do now? Who do you turn to?

Well, I believe the only answer is to turn to Jesus. He is always the right answer. Even when we have made the most horrible decisions possible, Jesus will always be right there beside us. He knows us even better than we know ourselves. He knows our deepest, most intimate thoughts . . . the things within our hearts that we've never told anyone about because we are too ashamed. Jesus knows all of this about us and he still loves us unconditionally. He loves us so much that he endured tremendous pain and suffering while he died for our sins. Who else do you know that has done this for you? He died for me and he died for you. Why did he do this? He did these things for us so that we could be saved from a horrible fate . . . eternal separation from God (also know as spending the rest of your life in hell.) What an amazing gift that is available to anyone who will accept it! What do you have to do to accept it? Simply acknowledge that you have sinned, ask Jesus to forgive you, recognize that he died for your sins and rose again and then ask him to guide your life. You will be amazed at what will happen. I know that I was.

So that's where I'm at right now. I'm realizing that I made the wrong decision. (Oh how difficult it is to admit that you're wrong, especially when it includes telling your husband that he was right.) But I'm also trusting in God. I'm looking to him as I take this one day at a time. I'm worshipping him in the midst of this turmoil. I'm seeking his face with all of my heart and soul. I know that I need him and can do nothing (NOTHING) without him. I will wait patiently as he finds a place for me. I also realize that God knew that I would make this wrong decision and I will try to accomplish his work while I am there. These are just a few of the words I got from the Lord this morning, "Oh, my child, I love you. I am yours and you are mine. Sometimes you must make the wrong decision to find the right one. I will bring good of this if you let me. Look to me and trust me in this. Continue to worship me with all of your heart, my daughter. I will never leave you: not in this, not ever. You are precious to me and I want what is good and right for you."

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Oh and one more thing. . . if you pray that God will block something if it is not his will and then you literally drive up to a road block on your way to the thing you've been praying about, take it seriously. It may indeed be God's way of telling you that he is "blocking" it.
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The End of a Journey

Lately as I work, I can't help but think about how my time there is almost over. I have only a few short days until this chapter of my life will end and a new chapter will begin. I remember when I first started fourteen and a half years ago as a brand new nurse. I was completely clueless and very naive. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. To be completely honest, it was pretty rough at first but I somehow survived and even prospered.

I have accumulated an abundance of knowledge over these years. My experience is truly priceless and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I feel like I've seen or done just about everything possible. I've encountered people at their best and people at their worst. I've been involved in situations that have made me cry from the deepest part of my soul, wondering why the Lord would allow someone to suffer so tremendously. I've enjoyed triumphs greater than I could have ever imagined. I'd like to think that I've touched the lives of some of my patients. Many of them have genuinely touched my life.

My coworkers have become like my family. I have had days that I don't think I could have endured without them. We've shared so many tears and a lot of laughter. We've been each other's listening ears and encouragers. I feel honored and privileged to have worked so closely with such a great group of people. We have worked together as one unit, doing whatever it takes to get the job done right. Anyone who wonders what real teamwork looks like should get a glimpse of the staff of an emergency department or trauma unit. I have really enjoyed working with them all of these years. They are an invaluable wealth of knowledge and experience. I would trust them completely with my own life. I will miss them so much. I am choking back tears just thinking about it as I type this.

It was very difficult for me to make this decision. I didn't really have a clear direction from the Lord in this. I believe that a lot of the uncertainty stemmed from the sacrifices that accompany this choice. I will be driving 19 miles farther and will be taking a significant pay cut initially. Sometimes we must make sacrifices to be in God's will. He has made the ultimate sacrifice for us and he expects us to sacrifice for him as well.

When I went to job shadow, I knew that the job would be a good fit for me and that I would enjoy it. I also had this overwhelming feeling that they need me and that I am meant to be there at this time in my life. I feel like I have made the right decision. I remember someone telling me once that God doesn't want us to be comfortable in our lives. He wants us to step outside of the box and rely completely on him. If we were always comfortable then we would probably feel very self-sufficient and would think we didn't need God at all.

I have to admit that I feel a bit anxious as I look forward to starting my new job. I had a complete meltdown the day I put in my two week notice. I literally sat on the living room floor sobbing as I wondered if I had made a huge mistake. Change, whether good or bad, is always difficult. We are safe in our daily routines, seeing the same people we see every day and doing the things we've done hundreds or thousands of times. It feels very uneasy to embark on a new journey when the future is uncertain. It's hard to take the first step when you can't see the rest of the staircase.

I will move forward in faith and trust in the Lord and his plan for me. I completely put this into his hands. I know that he has great things in store for me and probably a few new life lessons along the way.

2 Corinthians 5:7

⁷ For we live by faith, not by sight.

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Summer Break

Hello all! I'm not sure how many people regularly read this blog. It really doesn't matter. I am trying to do something in this blog that I feel the Lord is prompting me to do. I didn't want to start this blog and felt sure that many of my friends and family would think I was completely nuts when I started blogging about God's word and His work in my life. I really don't care about that, though. All I know is that I am obediently following my Lord and Savior. That is the most important thing here. Honestly, this blog takes a lot of my time. Getting the words, scripture and photos just right actually is very time-consuming. I can literally spend hours on just one post. I try to make it just the way I think the Lord wants it.



Mike, Ryan and me

 As summer break quickly approaches, I am faced with a very difficult decision. I could continue to blog through the summer or I could take a little break. I certainly want to honor the Lord in this, so I prayed about it. I actually got the answer when I was praying for my son. I feel that God wants me to spend quality time with Ryan without exception. Being a good mother is important to me. I want to raise Ryan in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. I want to create lasting memories with Ryan over the summer. I love him beyond what I could have ever imagined. The answer seems so clear to me. While I strongly feel this blog is honoring the Lord and drawing others closer to Him, I must go with what I know is right and what I feel God wants me to do.

Proverbs 22:6

Start children off on the way they should go,
    and even when they are old they will not turn from it. 

Proverbs 29:17

¹⁷ Discipline your children, and they will give you peace;
    they will bring you the delights you desire.

This will be my last post for a while. I will be taking a summer break along with Ryan. I will try to post some quick pictures or very brief posts throughout the summer but there will be no extended posts until fall. I hope you all have a wonderfully blessed and safe summer. Enjoy your family and friends and try to live every day to it's fullest. You don't know what plans God has for you and what day will be your last. God bless and take care. :)
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The Courage of Esther

I sat in church this morning awaiting the usual Mother's Day sermon, expecting to be crying by the end of the service. Usually Mother's Day brings a sermon that makes me question what kind of a mother I really am. I can still remember how completely incompetent I felt a few years ago when the Mother's Day sermon was about the wife of noble character from Proverbs 31:10- 31. I don't know a single woman who would live up to those standards. I'm not saying these sermons are bad. I will be the first to admit that I think everyone needs to hear a sermon that really makes them feel convicted every now and then. I believe this will make us evaluate who we are as a Christian, a parent, a spouse, etc and then strive to become the best person we can be. However, such was not the case this morning in church. The sermon came from a forgotten book in the Old Testament called Esther. When I first became a Christian, I read the entire Bible from beginning to end in about a year. For some unknown reason I completely did not remember reading the book of Esther. I found myself sitting and listening intently as the sermon unfolded, enthralled by the life of Esther.

Esther was a young Jewish girl when the king began his search for a queen. A quest for beautiful young virgins began in the kingdom. Esther lost her parents as a child and was being raised by her uncle. Esther, who was a young to mid teen, was chosen for her beauty and taken against her will to the palace with several other young women. She spent the next year of her life undergoing extensive beauty treatments before she could even meet the king. During her first meeting with the king, she lost her virginity to him. All of the chosen virgins would lose their virginity to the king. This could have been the only time Esther ever met the king. She did find favor with the king and became his queen. All along, she kept her Jewish heritage a secret. I thought about Esther's life and what dreams she might have had. What did she give up when she was taken from her family?

While Esther was queen, she learned of a plot to kill all Jews in the kingdom. Upon the prompting of a close nobleman, the king issued a decree to support this plan. Esther's uncle asked her to go before the king to try to stop this command. Esther informed her uncle that anyone who went before the king without being summoned would die unless the king held out his golden scepter to have that person's life spared. Her uncle again pleaded that Esther intercede on behalf of her people. She agreed to go before the king with this request. Can you imagine how difficult this decision must have been for Esther? She, a teenager, had the weight of every Jewish person's life on her shoulders. She knew she could have been easily put to death for approaching the king about this matter. When she did decide to go through with it, she instructed her uncle to have all of the Jews fast and pray for her for three days. She and her maids also fasted and prayed for three days.

Esther went before the king and he not only spared her life but the lives of all of the Jewish people. He sent another decree to allow all of the Jewish people to defend themselves against their attackers. (No decree from the king could ever be revoked, therefore the previous decree still stood.) The Jews successfully fought off thousands of enemies. The nobleman responsible for formulating the plot was hung and Esther's uncle took his place as second to the king.

I think this story is an amazing testimony of God's awesome power. He used Esther in her unfortunate circumstances to accomplish His will for His people. He placed her there in the palace in a position of influence. She was one person who followed God's prompting and saved the lives of thousands of God's people. What if she decided to ignore God's request? What would have happened to the Jewish people? Esther's courageous act completely overwhelms me. I think of my own life and the daily decisions I make and I can't even begin to compare them to the magnitude of Esther's difficult decision. I admire her for her selflessness as she put her own life on the line for her people. I wonder if I would have the courage to do the same. Sometimes I can feel God tapping me on the shoulder and telling me to do something that seems completely out of the question to me at the time. Thoughts of failure and ridicule plague my mind as I ponder the unimaginable task the Lord has planned for me. I will try to remember Esther and her inspiring story as I go about my own life. When I feel God telling me to do something, I will try to follow the Lord's plan, with His constant help, of course. I would hate to think about what would happen if I decided to ignore God's prompting and not fulfill His plan for me.

Oh, and one last thing. Did you catch the part about the fasting and prayer? Esther didn't do anything until she and many other people fasted and prayed about it for three days. God wants us to pray about things before we do them. He wants us to consult Him in all of our decisions and the way to do this is through prayer. I completely believe that if Esther and others hadn't prayed about it first, Esther may have failed. Esther was wise beyond her years when she decided to pray first. If we don't ask, we can't receive.

Matthew 7:8
For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Mark 11:24
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
John 16:24
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
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Distracted . . . to Peaceful

I spent time with the Lord this morning. I prayed for those in my life who are ill, hurting or need prayer in other ways. Then I sat and listened. At first, I didn't get any words from the Lord. I sat there at the table and listened to the sounds of the house: the washing machine swishing, the dryer running and the tick-tocking of a nearby clock. I really tried to focus and relax. I shut my eyes. I thought I could hear the faint humming of the refrigerator. I found that as hard as I was trying, I just couldn't obtain complete concentration due to the lack of silence. My thoughts were interrupted by these random sounds. I was distracted by the things around me. I really thought about this and realized that God was showing me something important here. It reminded me of a vision that I had a few years ago.

I can actually remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting at the triage desk at work waiting for the next patient to come. I was looking out the front window when I saw a vision of a long road or path. At the end of the path was the Lord. The path was littered with a lot of large debris like fallen trees, garbage, man-made things, etc. In order to get down this path to the Lord, I must remove all of the debris. With each piece of debris that I remove, the easier it is to get down the path and the closer I get to the Lord. The path in this vision is my life and my walk with the Lord. The debris is every distraction (good or bad) that gets in the way of me following the Lord. I must put all things aside to focus on the Lord. This includes all of the emotional "garbage" that I've collected over the years as well as the worldly distractions that are all around me.

How easy is it to let things of the world distract us from spending necessary time with the Lord? It doesn't take much for us to get caught up in worldly desires and activities. These distractions aren't always considered "sinful" either. Watching too much television or spending a lot of time surfing the Internet can certainly interfere with our devotional time. I admit that I have actually let my favorite hobby of knitting come between me and God. The Lord wants our best. He wants our first, not our last. He wants our attention, devotion, love, faithfulness and time. He wants us to come to Him regularly to completely give ourselves over to Him. He wants us to follow Him and be like Him. That's one reason He gave us Jesus. He sent His Son to this world as a living, breathing, perfect example for us to follow. Then He documented these specific examples of perfection from Jesus' life in the Holy Bible. He wants us to read it and to learn about Jesus so that we can be like Him. And then He wants us to teach our children how to be like Jesus. He doesn't want us to stop there, He wants us to tell our family, our friends, our coworkers, our enemies - well, pretty much everyone we can about Jesus and His perfect example of life. We need to tell others how He is working in our lives and share the Good News. That is why I started this blog, to share God and what He is doing in my life with anyone who is willing to sit and read it.

I'm certainly not perfect. Trust me, I am far from perfection. Jesus is the only person who is truly perfect in every way. I'm just saying that when I feel the Lord prompting me to do or say something, I try to be obedient. This is sometimes very difficult. Often people look at me like I'm an absolute freak. But that's OK, I don't really care. I just want to carry out God's plan for me. I feel that if I don't respond to God's calling, I or someone else will most likely miss out on His wonderful blessings.

I will admit that lately I haven't been spending time in the Lord like I should. I can feel a difference in myself and see a difference in my life. First of all I can tell that I'm just a little grumpier or crankier than usual. I don't get along with my family as well. It seems like we argue and disagree more. I just feel uneasy or unsettled . . . like I don't have that peace. You know, the peace of God that transcends all understanding? When I don't spend regular time with God, that peace is gone. I hate that. And then when I start to draw closer to Him again, the peace returns like water gently flowing over me. That, my friends, is truly the greatest feeling in the world - the peace of God. Have you experienced it? 

Refining My Temple

The Lord has laid on my heart a new challenge. I feel strongly that God wants me to make my body a temple truly worthy of His presence. 1Corinthians 6: 19-20 says, "¹⁹ Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰ you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." I read these words and I realize that I am not completely honoring the Lord with my body. I do not exercise in any way, shape or form. As a matter of fact, I absolutely hate exercising. The thought of it makes me feel nauseated. But the Lord has given me a very strong feeling that to please Him, I must strengthen and exercise my body as well as my soul.

I started to feel God prompting me to exercise this weekend when we spent some time with my brother and his family. My brother is very physically fit. He exercises regularly and really watches what he eats. I admire him and his perseverance. He even participates in half-marathons and triathlons to raise money for cancer research. I have to admit that I feel like a total slob around him. Don't get me wrong, I am not by any means overweight. I still wear the same size clothing that I wore in high school. But I'm not at all in shape. Sometimes I get a bit winded if I run up our stairs too fast. And I have some flab now that I never had before.

Now listen to this story. I decided that I needed some new athletic shoes because I have had mine for almost 3 years now and they are really starting to hurt my feet. So while we were in Columbus visiting my brother, I looked for shoes. I had narrowed my shoe selection down to two: moderately expensive and really expensive. The sales associate brought the selections in my size. As I was trying on the first pair, he asked me, "Do you want these shoes to workout in?" I just looked at him, dumbfounded. I really didn't know what to say. Well, my husband took my awkward silence as a clue for him to speak for me. "She just wants them to be lazy in." he said. I was embarrassed and horrified! I couldn't believe that those words just came out of my husband's mouth! (I mean, they were true since I don't ever exercise, but really?) The salesman just looked at me and said, "OK. I've never had a pair of lazy shoes before." I wanted to crawl under the bench on which I was sitting. Oh well, at least I will most likely never see that man again in my life. This encounter only added to my sense of need to exercise.

I'm sure that this beautiful and unusually warm weather has also played a part in my overwhelming desire to become physically fit (as well as my realization that I may have to wear a swimsuit in the very near future.) This morning I donned my brand new pair of athletic shoes and listened to my worship playlist as I jogged for thirty minutes. (OK, I walked some.) My new shoes had so much support that I felt as if I was running on a cloud. The sun shone brightly on me and the air smelled fresh and new. I actually enjoyed it! I had to stop mid-jog to check on the cows (Ryan's 4-H projects.) I labored over carrying buckets of water to them (which they drank none of!) As I was filling the bucket with water, I was sure that I could hear a faint rustling sound in the little water shed that I was standing by. I convinced myself that the rustling sound was a rat or mouse that would soon leap out to bite me. Thankfully, that didn't happen. As I bent over to transfer the water from the bucket to the water pan, Rascal the steer tried to eat a portion of my hair. Yuck! As I grabbed the feed pans from their pen, I got a questionable brown substance on my hands. The smell test confirmed that yes, it was poop. Ugghh! Anyway, I continued with the rest of my run. I have washed my hands three times now and they still smell like poop.

So, my plan right now is to try to do cardio exercise 90 minutes a week and resistance training for at least 45 minutes a week. We will see how it goes. I feel good to at least have a clear new plan. I"m so glad that God helps us through every trial because I certainly cannot do this without Him. These are the words the Lord gave me this morning:

You are right, my child, to honor Me with your body - with what you put into your body as well as what comes out. You know what foods are good and wholesome to nourish and strengthen your body. You also know that you must honor Me with the words that come out of your mouth. You must speak only words that are pleasing to Me that can be used to build others up. Do not judge or criticize others or you, too will be judged and criticized by Me. Exercise you body, mind and spirit, for what is one without the other? Continue to draw close to Me spiritually as you start this journey to strengthen your body, for you must seek Me in every venture.

Romans 12:1
 ¹ Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.

Well, I have to go now. I obviously need to shower. I put this challenge out there for you as well. Who will join me in this challenge to refine our earthly temples?

He is Jealous For Me

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.


Oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all.


We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way...

Oh, how He loves us so,

Oh how He loves us, 

How He loves us all.
How He Loves ~ David Crowder Band

I've been thinking about this song for at least a week now. I just can't get it out of my head. I just love the words. They describe God's love for us so poetically. I first heard this song about a month ago during Sunday morning worship service. Our worship team sang it and I instantly liked it. Then I forgot about the song for a while. I got an email about a week and a half ago and the subject was this song. I looked it up on you tube and have been singing it ever since. I have downloaded it to my Ipod and needless to say I have been singing it so much that I'm sure I'm driving my family crazy. I know the Lord keeps bringing this song to my mind for a reason. He loves me so much. He loves us all so much and He wants us to know it and to feel His love for us.

So . . . I finished this post and hopped in the shower. As I was washing my hair I got this terrible sinking feeling. It was a feeling that I would compare to arriving to class one morning and realizing that you forgot to do your homework. I realized that I wasn't finished with this post. Actually, God wasn't finished with this post. He has more to say here. Well, anyway . . . here's the rest of it.

He is jealous for me. What does that mean exactly? To me it means that He wants our time and our attention. And that's not all He wants. He wants our love, our worship, our obedience, our thankfulness, our faithfulness . . . He wants all of us. He wants us to give everything that we are and everything that we have to Him to be used for His purpose. He wants us to come to Him and consult Him in every decision, to talk to Him like He is our best friend. (He is you know.) He is our best friend and our Father. He wants to hear about triumphs, our fears and everything in between. He is the only one that we will ever know that will never hurt us. He is perfect in all ways.

We should all take a good look at our lives and figure out what is keeping us from Him. Maybe it's some secret sin that no one else knows about. Pornography? Adultery? Lying? Overeating? Maybe it's something that you would never even consider sinful. It could be watching TV, surfing the internet, reading or knitting.  I have to admit that as silly as it seems, I have let knitting come between me and the Lord. I have gotten involved in an intricate project and have spent all of my free time knitting instead of spending time in the Lord. He wants us to put Him first in our lives. He doesn't want to be second, third . . . or tenth. He wants our best, not our leftovers.