In the Desert

I've been in the desert: a spiritual desert. For four years I have been lacking spiritual growth and fulfilment. In the midst of one of the most difficult times in my life, I did not seek God as I should have and I suffered the consequences of my actions. I am still suffering. I was so busy with my life; all of those tasks. I felt that I had to do what I needed to do for my job, my research, and my dissertation. I put God up on this shelf that I rarely visited while I reached a level of function and performance that was honestly amazing. I was like a well-oiled machine. When my research was finished and my dissertation was finally completed, I found myself wandering in the desert and I was so very thirsty. And God was still on that shelf.

As the deer pants for streams of water,

so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

When can I go and meet with God? - Psalm 42: 1, 2

Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." - John 7: 37, 38

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." - John 4: 13, 14

So I began to search for that Living Water to start to quench my thirst. I prayed. I prayed some more. What did the Lord want me to do? I felt awkward. What was I going to do with myself now that my workload decreased to one fourth of what it had been? I found self care again. I began to run regularly. I prayed again. And again after that. I began knitting a sweater. (I still remembered how to knit!) I watched the movie God's Not Dead. I had seen it before and really enjoyed it. However, I was again really impressed yet also very humbled by that movie. Josh, the protagonist in the movie, displayed the kind of faith and courage that I hope to possess one day. He fought for God against great adversity. He made sacrifices within his own life to stand up for God when it seemed that nobody supported him and the easier option would be to deny God. I breathed it in and reflected upon my own geography just on the edge of the desert.

I started reading books that did not relate to research methodology or APA formatting. I found the book All My Knotted-Up Life: A Memoir by Beth Moore. I struggled to really gain interest initially. However, after some consideration, I decided to continue to push through. And then it really clicked for me. I finished the book at a rather slow pace for me, trying to soak in every bit of it. It was a truly amazing, inspirational book. I laughed out loud many times. I cried repeatedly. It was so raw, yet also very polished and thoughtful. Beth Moore laid everything out there, which I appreciated so much. As I learned about Beth's life experiences and how she sought the face of God in everything that she did, I found myself reflecting upon my own life and how I want to seek God. I was inching slightly further toward the edge of the desert.

I dug into the bible. I prayed more. I came to the understanding that the Lord wanted me to come to him. I am His daughter. He missed me and has been looking forward to my return. The Lord also knows me better than I know myself. He knows that I need something to do; a special project to keep me on track. Something to fill all of that time that I devoted to the doctorate program that is now just awkward emptiness. And so this blog was born again out of my necessity for purpose while I begin to seek the face of God again. It is my accountability partner. Through this blog I will continue to find spiritual growth and nearness to my Heavenly Father. I will drink deeply from the Living Water to quench my great thirst for Jesus. My hope is that others may find some inspiration in this journey and quench their thirst as well.