Lost and Broken

I sit here lost and broken, a shell of the person I once was. I longingly recall a time of spiritual growth and fervor, a time when I sought the Lord with all of my heart and soul. My closeness to God was almost palpable. I was on fire for the Lord and I didn't care who knew it. Actually, I wanted everyone to know about my thirst for God and I made it a priority to tell them. I experienced a peace and joy that can only be described as supernatural. Regardless of life's difficulties, my peace remained constant. It was amazing and intoxicating. I was a true child of God. I felt his love as if it were pouring into me.

And now here I sit. Lost. Broken. My closeness to God has dissipated. My longing for that overwhelming peace, joy, and love causes an almost physical pain.

I think back, wondering exactly how I ended up here; in this place where I have very little connection to God. It didn't happen overnight. I believe that it gradually slipped away over months and years of apathy and lack of motivation. I let other things take priority over God.
A new job...
A master's program...
My own selfishness and desire...
My phone with all of the apps and games...

I stopped blogging.
I stopped reading the Bible.
My prayers became very infrequent.
My church attendance waned.
I stopped listening for God.
I stopped listening to God.
I stopped seeking God.

All of these things happened. Actually, they didn't happen. And now here I am. Where am I? I'm not sure. I feel like I've lost myself. The person who I have become is not the person who I want to be. She's not the person who I used to be. She is irritable, sarcastic, and downright mean at times. That is not the person who I long to be or who God expects me to be. There are times when I feel as if spiritual warfare is taking place all around me and sometimes within me. I feel restless.

How do I get back to where I once was? Going back is impossible. I can only move forward from here: commitment and motivation to seek God with all of my heart, one step at a time, one day at a time.

Down

Oh, it's been so long since I've blogged. The reason is simply because I've really not been in a good place in my life lately. I haven't felt like I had any inspiring words to share. But then I guess we don't always need to have pretty, happy words to share. Sometimes words have the most impact when they are completely real and raw, from the very depths of our soul. I just spent time with the Lord and I feel strongly that he wants me to share something right now. He said the words will come.

I've been down. So very, very down. I am frustrated with the state of my life. I would actually have to admit that I'm depressed. I dislike my job so much right now that it has affected my entire life, every aspect of my existence. I feel physically incapable of happiness at this point in my life. I cry bitterly often. I am a total mess. This has affected my marriage and my family. I want so badly to have a new job . . . a job that I actually enjoy. I've wanted this for the past six months. I've prayed and prayed, begging and pleading with God . . . and nothing. Here I still am in the same job. I believe I had actually lost all hope and faith. I hate saying that. It's so horrible. But it's true. I didn't really know what else to do. What else could I possibly do? I had applied for at least 15 other jobs. Nothing happened. I felt a bit like I had leprosy. Nobody would give me the time of day.

I understand that I have no control over this. If God doesn't want me to have a new job, then it's not going to happen. I have been told numerous times that I must be patient and wait for God's timing. Definitely easier said than done. It's a different story when you're the one who has to be patient and wait, especially when you are miserable.

So now you're up to speed about where I'm at in my life and what I've been dealing with. I'm waiting. And it's very, VERY difficult. I'm going to take one day at a time. So even though I am scared and I can't see where the path goes, I'm going to have faith and trust in the Lord. (Oh, by the way, God did tell me he would move in this. He just didn't tell me when or how.) I'm going to seek God and be obedient to him. I'm going to keep praying. (I'm sure he may be really tired of hearing from me about this, but I'm going to keep praying about it anyway.) And I'm going to surround myself with the things of God. I will do this by reading his word and listening to Christian music. I strongly believe in the power of music. AND I WILL NOT GIVE UP! Satan has been trying to get me down but I will not give in to him! Did you know that according to the bible, Satan must leave us when we command him to leave in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit? Pretty cool, huh?

More to come later . . .

Lost

I sit here staring at this blank screen wondering how I'm going to say everything that I need to say. It's not that I don't feel like I can get it all out there, it's that I want to do it in a way that is most pleasing to God. I want to honor him with these words and with my life. Writing has always come easily to me and I know now that this is one of my God-given gifts. I often feel like I'm not even the one writing these words. They can flow through me so readily and rapidly that I feel more like an instrument for the words of God to flow through.

I realize that unless you have experienced God in this way, you may not understand what I'm even talking about. I have experienced Our Heavenly Father in a way that many others may not even know is possible. I am blessed to have seen him, heard him and felt him in my life. I have physically heard his voice calling my name. I have seen images that can only be described as from the spiritual realm. I have felt the physical touch of his hand on the back of my neck. Most of these experiences have come to me late at night while I am drifting off to sleep. I have often wondered if this is the ideal time for God to interact with me because my mind is at rest and free from distraction.

Well, anyway, I'm really just stalling because I know that what I need to say is going to be difficult. Admitting your own weakness is certainly never easy. I'll start by saying that lately I have been so consumed by the negative aspects of my life that I haven't even been living my life. Let me take you back to the very beginning . . .

I had felt for several months that I needed to make a job change. I can't really explain it other than I just knew it was time for me to move on and that God's work for me was somewhere else. I found a job at a completely different facility. I applied, interviewed and was offered the job. I struggled greatly with my decision. I didn't really feel like I had a sense of what God wanted me to do. After much prayer, I decided to take the job.

I knew by day two of orientation that I had made a huge mistake. I was not happy in my new job. I continued on, hoping that the newness would wear off, my uneasiness would subside and I would grow to like my new endeavor. That didn't happen. My dislike grew to hatred and I gradually became completely consumed by trying to figure out how to get out of my new job. I was desperate for an immediate change. I was beginning to make myself and my family miserable. I couldn't function outside of my job. I feel like I was trying to do a decent job in my work and my superiors told me that they were very pleased with how I was doing. However, outside of work I completely shut down. All of my relationships began to suffer. I felt so sorry for myself that I could barely function. I put everything on hold, pending on my much-anticipated job change. I was just waiting for my life to return to a more favorable state. I stopped doing God's work. I stopped singing with the worship team at church. I eventually stopped posting in my blog. I no longer read the bible on a regular basis.

I will say that I prayed all the time. I prayed for my family and friends, but I mostly prayed for myself and my job issues. I begged and pleaded with the Lord several times each day.  My vision blurred on the long drives to and from work as I wept bitterly, pouring my heart out to God.

I then discovered a new job. It was completely different from my previous work. I could really see myself in this job and I thought that I would really prosper in this new opportunity. It was a newly-created position that I thought God made just for me. I soared quickly and easily through the interview process. I was told that my interview was excellent and that I presented myself very well. I thought the job was surely mine.

And then I got the email. They offered the job to someone else! I completely lost it. I hit rock bottom. I felt like I was drowning in a pit of despair. I was trapped in this job that I hate and now there was no hope of any way out! I had pinned all of my hope to this job that now belonged to someone else. I was angry and confused. I felt so sad and betrayed. I cried out bitterly to God. Why?!! Why did this happen?!! What did I do to deserve this?!! Why would God want me to be miserable in my work? I thought and said things that I regretted. I yelled at my husband. I hated myself and felt responsible for the state of my life. What was I to do now? I didn't know how I could go on. I couldn't keep going back to that job that I hate. I just couldn't! What was I going to do? I wanted to completely give up on my job and my life. I felt lost.  

After tossing and turning all night I managed to drag myself to church the next morning, still feeling sorry for myself. I could hardly believe it when I heard the sermon. I thought that Pastor Greg was talking directly to me. I realize that the message was for me but that it was God who was doing the talking. Pastor Greg spoke about how the Lord has been working on him for the past month. He said that God was doing surgery on his soul and that he was removing the pride from his life. He said he didn't even know that he had this pride until the Lord showed it to him. He accounted that the process was very difficult and painful and that he fought it at first but that the Lord has helped him to grow spiritually into a completely new man. He said God was moving him to tell us all to give our sins and burdens over to God so he can work within us and heal us.

It was then that I recognized how selfish I was being. I wanted a perfect job and a perfect life and I was throwing a fit about it. I wanted things my way and I was not at all interested in what God wanted me to do. I realized that sometimes being in God's will is not easy and not comfortable. I went to the alter to pray and make myself right before the Lord. I felt humbled, cleansed and renewed.

I'm not going to tell you that I magically have a sudden love for my job because I don't. I can say that I do feel a sense of peace about the situation. I know that this journey that I'm on will probably continue to be difficult and somewhat painful. I've come to terms with the fact that for some reason the Lord wants me to be right where I am right now. He may have some kind of work for me there or maybe he will work within me through this experience to help me grow spiritually and be a better servant for him. Even though it's not easy to move on without knowing where God's plan will lead, I will go forward trusting in him and having faith that he knows what is best for me.

James 5:7-12

⁷ Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. ⁸ You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. ⁹ Don’t grumble against one another, brothers and sisters, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door!

¹⁰ Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. ¹¹ As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.
¹² Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. All you need to say is a simple “Yes” or “No.” Otherwise you will be condemned.
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Merry CHRISTmas

Christmas is such an amazing time of year. It is my favorite time of the year. Everyone seems nicer and happier. It seems like there is more love in the air. However, Christmas can also be very stressful. All of the decoration hanging, gift buying, present wrapping and card sending can really be taxing. Sometimes it seems like you will never get everything accomplished before the big day. When Christmas day finally comes, it is over in a flash. Ripping through all of those presents can often leave many people feeling empty and unfulfilled. All of that preparation . . . and then it's over in an instant. Why do so many people feel like this at Christmas time?

I feel that it is because we often put too much focus on the wrong things. Don't get me wrong, we do the decorations, tree, gifts, etc in my family. It has become a special Christmas tradition. But we also focus on the most important gift ever given, the gift of a baby in a manger who was destined to sacrifice his life so that we could live. Jesus is the ultimate gift of love and life. I have caught myself focusing so much on all of the other details surrounding Christmas that I almost forgot the most important part - CHRIST! He is the reason we even celebrate Christmas. Please take the time to read Luke 2:1 - 20:
¹ In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. ² (This was the first census that took place while^[a] Quirinius was governor of Syria.) ³ And everyone went to their own town to register.

 ⁴ So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. ⁵ He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. ⁶ While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, ⁷ and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

 ⁸ And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. ⁹ An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. ¹⁰ But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. ¹¹ Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. ¹² This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

 ¹³ Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
 ¹⁴ “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
   and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”
 ¹⁵ When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”
 ¹⁶ So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. ¹⁷ When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, ¹⁸ and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. ¹⁹ But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. ²⁰ The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

These are the words the Lord has given me about Christmas:
Focus on me in the midst of this season, my child. You must celebrate me and the birth of my son, Jesus Christ. Think not only of how he humbly came as an infant child but also of how he sacrificed his life for you in the most amazing gift ever given - the eternal gift of love and freedom. Ponder these things as you celebrate with your family and friends. Celebrate in the name of Jesus and make these things known to those you love.

May you all have a wonderful Christmas with your family and friends. Please take the time to remember Christ in Christmas! Glory to God in the highest!
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A Fresh Perspective

The following are the first words that I have received from the Lord. I received them during one of the busiest times of my life. We were having a house built and we did a fair amount of the work ourselves. We had to make so many decisions at the time that I couldn't hardly focus. And then I can remember overwhelmingly feeling like I needed to write something. I wasn't to write just anything, I was to write a salvation piece. I can remember sitting among my paint samples, home decorating catalogs and floor plan sketches writing these words like a woman possessed. I felt and still feel that these words are not my words. It is difficult to explain, but I felt like an instrument. These words just flowed through me. Honestly, I could never write anything this amazing on my own. I feel like God wants these words to be shared with as many people as possible. I believe that is the reason he moved be to start this blog: to share his words and his work in my life with others. Please, please, please pass this site on to your family and friends. I want to reach as many people as possible with God's words. These are the first words the Lord gave me:

     I used to be dead inside and I didn't even know it. I would wake up in the morning, prepare for my day, go to work, come home ,eat supper, watch TV and go to bed. I was going through the motions of everyday life. I was living my life without actually feeling much of anything. I figured this was probably normal. After a while, life just becomes monotonous.
     Something was missing. I just couldn't pinpoint what that "something" was. Maybe it was a better job, a bigger house, a slimmer body, a happier marriage, the baby that I wanted so much . . .

     I was constantly striving for some seemingly unattainable goal. When I would finally achieve a goal, I was left feeling empty, frustrated and unfulfilled. I always wanted more. I was never happy; never quite satisfied. I was blinded by the negative aspects of every situation. Everything and everyone in my life fell short of my high expectations, including myself. I didn't like myself or my life and I couldn't even explain why.

     And then I found a new life: a fresh perspective, a clear focus, a sense of joy and peace, forgiveness for all of my shortcomings, a bright light shining through the darkness, an awakening in my heart.

     I found all of this and I wasn't even looking for it. I didn't know I was missing it or that I needed it. I didn't even know what "it" was. It had never been a part of my life before; not because I didn't want it but because I had never known it.

     "It" changed my life; not overnight, but gradually and subtly. Sometimes the changes were easy and joyful, like a heavy weight being lifted from my shoulders. Other changes were painful and difficult to bear. I now realize that those challenges were meant to serve as sandpaper, to smooth our my rough edges, polish me, and make me the best person I can be. I even continue to change now. I'm sure that I will be changing throughout the rest of my life.

     Honestly, "it" was not an "it" at all, but a "he." He loves me unconditionally. Every time I ask him to forgive me, he does so without question or hesitation. He is my best friend; always here when I need him and even when I think I don't need him. He knows me inside and out, even better than I know myself. He never does or says anything hurtful or destructive. He gives me strength when I am weak. He always builds me up and never tears me down. He loves me so much that he endured tremendous pain and suffering for me. He died for me; paid for my sins so that I wouldn't have to. His love for me is so great that he wants me to spend eternal life with Him in paradise.
     He does all of this for me and he will do it for you, too, if you want him to. His name is Jesus. He is ready to come into your heart and into you life. You need to find a quiet place by yourself and ask him to fill your heart with his presence and take control of you life. Now, take a deep breath and read the following scripture:
Romans 3:23: ²³ for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
Romans 6:23: ²³ For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.
John 3:16: ¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:3: ³ Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again.^[a]”

John 14:6: ⁶ Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
Romans 10:9,10: ⁹ If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. ¹⁰ For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.
2 Corinthians 5:15: ¹⁵ And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
Revelation 3:20: ²⁰ Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

     If you feel in your heart that you are ready to start a relationship with Jesus and receive your eternal salvation, then please pray the following prayer:
     Heavenly Father, I have sinned against you. I want forgiveness for all of my sins. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for me and rose again. Father, I give you my life to do with what you want. Lord, please help me to live my life for you, daily seeking your will for me and casting aside my own sinful ways. I want Jesus Christ to come into my life and into my heart. This I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.
     It doesn't end there.Now you have to try to live your life following God's will and not your own desires. Live to please God and fulfill his purpose for you. Relinquish control to him and he will bless you. "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised" (Hebrew 10:36). "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus: (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). Read God's word frequently and live by those words. The bible says, "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says" (James 1:22). Praise the Lord throughout each day. "Through Jesus, therefore let us continually offer a sacrifice of praise - the fruit of lips that confess His name" (Hebrews 13:15). Find the right church for you and attend regularly to worship God and fellowship with other Christians. Hebrews 10:25 reads, "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching."
     Just knowing about Jesus is not enough, you must know him on a personal level. Trying to be a good person will not gain you entrance into heaven, you must walk with Jesus daily to experience God's eternal, magnificent greatness. Jesus said, "Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven" (Matthew 10:32,33).
     Walking with Jesus will not erase all pain and suffering from your life. You will still experience hardship, sorrow and temptation. The Lord wants you to find strength and comfort in Him always, especially when you are struggling. "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall: (Psalm 55:22). Know also that "God is faithful: he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it: (1 Corinthians 10:13). God himself will never tempt you. "For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed: (James 1: 13,14).
     God knows that you aren't perfect and never will be. He knows that you will still make mistakes. According to Ecclesiastes 7:16, "There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins." Continue to recognize your sins, confess then to Jesus and ask forgiveness for those sins. "He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy" (Proverbs 28:13). He will forgive you of all your sins if you ask him. God's word ways, "Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more" (Hebrews 10:17).
     God wants us to be like him and like his son, Jesus. The Lord put Jesus in this world to live as a man so that he would experience our pain and be an example for all of us. learn as much about Jesus as you can and try to live your life in his perfect example. As stated in Ephesians, we are to "be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God" (5:1,2).

     Jesus will be with you at all times; through good and bad. He said, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age" (Matthew 28:20). Jesus wants to come into your life and into your heart. "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.: (Matthew 11:28-30). Seek him always!

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