The Other Side of the Door

As I sit here staring at my blank computer screen, I think back on everything that's happened in the last year and I wonder how I'm ever going to put into words all that I need to say. So much has happened that I can't even fathom how I can write about it and even do it justice. And then I realize that I really shouldn't even worry about it. It's out of my hands. God will give me the words that He wants me to write. I just need to put this into His hands and it will turn out exactly as He planned.

I am such a changed person for what I've experienced in my life lately. I'm not saying that I've changed for the better. I've just changed. This year I hit absolutely the lowest point in my entire life. I was completely hopeless. I found myself in a situation that I didn't think I could endure anymore. I felt like there was no way out and no one to talk to that would even begin to understand how I felt. I'm certain that my husband thought I was completely crazy when I tried to talk to him about my feelings. He was the only one I really talked to about the situation. I kept everything under wraps from everyone else. I felt so alone.

I needed God desperately and I felt like He wasn't there anymore. I couldn't feel Him. I didn't hear from Him like I once did. I grew so far from Him that eventually I just stopped looking for Him. I spent my days feeling sorry for myself and wondering if and how I would ever get out of the horror that I was living. I spiraled quickly into a total mess that couldn't even get through a day without crying at least twice. I hated who I had become and thought I would never again be that strong, spiritual woman I had once been.

And then God opened a door for me. After eight months of enduring what seemed like hell, it ended. That trial was finally over! And much to my surprise, I had survived! I was worn and ragged, but I made it through nonetheless. That chapter of my life closed and a new one began.

My new endeavor started one month ago today. I found myself again in unchartered waters. I was scared to embark on another new journey. I again felt vulnerable and clueless. I put my faith in God and pushed forward.

I'm pleased to say that I'm really happy in my new journey. It's completely different than anything I've ever done but it's rewarding and I feel good about what I'm doing. It has resulted in many changes for me and my family. I have considerably less alone time now but more time with my family. I still have a lot to learn as I continue on this path.

I certainly am still not where I once was spiritually. I think back about how close I was to the Lord and it saddens me that I'm not there anymore. I felt like I had such a personal, even supernatural relationship with God. I miss that. I regret more than anything that I've lost that. I can't even really explain what it felt like to experience God in that way. It was like an overwhelming sense of peace resulting in a warm tingling that seemed to envelope my whole body. It was a fullness in my chest during worship that I knew without a doubt was the Holy Spirit. It was a feeling that God had this and God had me and everything would be alright.

Well, now I must turn my eyes to Jesus and seek Him with everything that I have. My personal goal is to grow again in the Lord and to accomplish His purpose for me. I would love to experience Him again in the ways that I once have. I have a feeling that through this recent trial that I have endured, God was preparing me for something even greater than I can imagine.

Mark 12:30

New International Version (NIV)

³⁰ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.
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Down

Oh, it's been so long since I've blogged. The reason is simply because I've really not been in a good place in my life lately. I haven't felt like I had any inspiring words to share. But then I guess we don't always need to have pretty, happy words to share. Sometimes words have the most impact when they are completely real and raw, from the very depths of our soul. I just spent time with the Lord and I feel strongly that he wants me to share something right now. He said the words will come.

I've been down. So very, very down. I am frustrated with the state of my life. I would actually have to admit that I'm depressed. I dislike my job so much right now that it has affected my entire life, every aspect of my existence. I feel physically incapable of happiness at this point in my life. I cry bitterly often. I am a total mess. This has affected my marriage and my family. I want so badly to have a new job . . . a job that I actually enjoy. I've wanted this for the past six months. I've prayed and prayed, begging and pleading with God . . . and nothing. Here I still am in the same job. I believe I had actually lost all hope and faith. I hate saying that. It's so horrible. But it's true. I didn't really know what else to do. What else could I possibly do? I had applied for at least 15 other jobs. Nothing happened. I felt a bit like I had leprosy. Nobody would give me the time of day.

I understand that I have no control over this. If God doesn't want me to have a new job, then it's not going to happen. I have been told numerous times that I must be patient and wait for God's timing. Definitely easier said than done. It's a different story when you're the one who has to be patient and wait, especially when you are miserable.

So now you're up to speed about where I'm at in my life and what I've been dealing with. I'm waiting. And it's very, VERY difficult. I'm going to take one day at a time. So even though I am scared and I can't see where the path goes, I'm going to have faith and trust in the Lord. (Oh, by the way, God did tell me he would move in this. He just didn't tell me when or how.) I'm going to seek God and be obedient to him. I'm going to keep praying. (I'm sure he may be really tired of hearing from me about this, but I'm going to keep praying about it anyway.) And I'm going to surround myself with the things of God. I will do this by reading his word and listening to Christian music. I strongly believe in the power of music. AND I WILL NOT GIVE UP! Satan has been trying to get me down but I will not give in to him! Did you know that according to the bible, Satan must leave us when we command him to leave in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit? Pretty cool, huh?

More to come later . . .

The End of a Journey

Lately as I work, I can't help but think about how my time there is almost over. I have only a few short days until this chapter of my life will end and a new chapter will begin. I remember when I first started fourteen and a half years ago as a brand new nurse. I was completely clueless and very naive. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. To be completely honest, it was pretty rough at first but I somehow survived and even prospered.

I have accumulated an abundance of knowledge over these years. My experience is truly priceless and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I feel like I've seen or done just about everything possible. I've encountered people at their best and people at their worst. I've been involved in situations that have made me cry from the deepest part of my soul, wondering why the Lord would allow someone to suffer so tremendously. I've enjoyed triumphs greater than I could have ever imagined. I'd like to think that I've touched the lives of some of my patients. Many of them have genuinely touched my life.

My coworkers have become like my family. I have had days that I don't think I could have endured without them. We've shared so many tears and a lot of laughter. We've been each other's listening ears and encouragers. I feel honored and privileged to have worked so closely with such a great group of people. We have worked together as one unit, doing whatever it takes to get the job done right. Anyone who wonders what real teamwork looks like should get a glimpse of the staff of an emergency department or trauma unit. I have really enjoyed working with them all of these years. They are an invaluable wealth of knowledge and experience. I would trust them completely with my own life. I will miss them so much. I am choking back tears just thinking about it as I type this.

It was very difficult for me to make this decision. I didn't really have a clear direction from the Lord in this. I believe that a lot of the uncertainty stemmed from the sacrifices that accompany this choice. I will be driving 19 miles farther and will be taking a significant pay cut initially. Sometimes we must make sacrifices to be in God's will. He has made the ultimate sacrifice for us and he expects us to sacrifice for him as well.

When I went to job shadow, I knew that the job would be a good fit for me and that I would enjoy it. I also had this overwhelming feeling that they need me and that I am meant to be there at this time in my life. I feel like I have made the right decision. I remember someone telling me once that God doesn't want us to be comfortable in our lives. He wants us to step outside of the box and rely completely on him. If we were always comfortable then we would probably feel very self-sufficient and would think we didn't need God at all.

I have to admit that I feel a bit anxious as I look forward to starting my new job. I had a complete meltdown the day I put in my two week notice. I literally sat on the living room floor sobbing as I wondered if I had made a huge mistake. Change, whether good or bad, is always difficult. We are safe in our daily routines, seeing the same people we see every day and doing the things we've done hundreds or thousands of times. It feels very uneasy to embark on a new journey when the future is uncertain. It's hard to take the first step when you can't see the rest of the staircase.

I will move forward in faith and trust in the Lord and his plan for me. I completely put this into his hands. I know that he has great things in store for me and probably a few new life lessons along the way.

2 Corinthians 5:7

⁷ For we live by faith, not by sight.

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Into the Fog . . .

As we left the house this morning to head to worship service, I couldn't help but notice the beauty of the scene around me. As we traveled to the church, I noticed the the fog as it completely enveloped us in all directions. The sparkling white frost on the tree branches and the thick coating of snow on the ground made a winter wonderland that was worthy of being framed and hung on our wall. I couldn't help but think how awesome the Lord is to create all of this beauty just for us, his children that he loves dearly. How amazing is it that God, the Almighty Creator, loves us this much and also that he wants to meet us on a personal level. He wants to walk with us daily. He wants to be involved in every detail of our lives. On one hand, his power and might are beyond what we are even capable of imagining. On the other hand, he relates to us intimately and knows us better than we even know ourselves. The bible says that he even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Luke 12:6-8:

⁶ Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. ⁷ Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
   ⁸ “I tell you, whoever publicly acknowledges me before others, the Son of Man will also acknowledge before the angels of God.

As I took a closer look at the fog around me, I thought about the dangers involved in traveling into a thick white haze. We couldn't see what was in front of us. What if there was a car coming toward us that was driving in our lane? What if a deer was standing in the middle of the road up ahead? What if there was a large pothole that we couldn't see? There could even be a freshly fallen tree laying across the road. I realized that driving into the fog took a certain degree of faith. I compare it to trusting in the Lord when you follow his will for your life instead of following your own will. This certainly takes a lot of faith. When God tells you to do something, you may not know what is ahead. He often doesn't reveal his entire plan when you take that first step. It can be very uncomfortable and even scary to step into the fog when you can't see what's to come. However, you will be rewarded by having faith and trusting in him. Will you have the faith to follow the Lord into the fog?

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Be Still

I sang during worship service yesterday for the first time in several months. I sang "Breath of Heaven" by Amy Grant. It is a great song. However, I don't particularly care for singing in front of a group of people. The main reason is because I get terribly nervous (especially if I am doing a solo.) I used to literally get sick before singing. I would get nauseated and sweaty. My heart would race. My stomach would grumble and growl to the point that I would have to rush to the church, hoping I would make it there in time. My desire would be to not sing at church. Ever. But the fact is that God gave me the gift to sing and he wants me to use that gift to further his kingdom. Apparently he wants me to sing in front of a large congregation on a regular basis. When you stop and think about it, you might wonder why God would give this particular gift to a person with stage fright. I have actually thought about that a lot. I read somewhere that God doesn't want us to be too comfortable because if we were then we would stop needing him and stop seeking him. I believe that he therefore gives his children gifts that are "outside of the box" to draw us closer to him.

All I know is that I was standing on the platform preparing to sing. Pastor Brian was praying for offertory. My heart started pounding harder and faster. I started to feel weak and shaky. And then my mind took off. What if I forgot the words? (Even though I had them in large print on the stand in front of me.) I have forgotten the words before and trust me that is a very unpleasant situation. What if I started to sing and a frog-like croak came out instead? What if everyone hated it? What if? What if? What if? I know that this was Satan's way of trying to ruin God's worship time. I had prayed about it already that morning several times and I continued to pray as I stood there waiting. God, please help me. I can't do this without you. I felt the Lord saying the same words I had heard before. "I've got this. I've got you." He also brought a scripture verse to my mind, "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10) He let me know that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about my performance. It isn't even a "performance" at all, it is worship to my Heavenly Father and as long as I follow his will and let him do his work in me, it will be pleasing to him. I gave it to him. My anxiety started to subside some. I admit that when I sang the first line my voice was weak and it wavered. I was determined that I was going to do this in a way that was pleasing to my Lord. The rest of the song went smoothly and I feel like it honored God. Now I just had to do it all over again for 2nd service! I felt a sense of satisfaction in knowing that Satan did not win this round. Mark 10:27 reads, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

I would love to know about a time when you had to step out of your comfort zone to do God's work. Please leave a comment to let me know about this. Thank you in advance!

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God's Difficult Will

God's will is sometimes very difficult. He never said His will would be easy. I think we just assume that once we become believers and accept Christ that our lives will be smooth-sailing. This is so not the case.

I admit that I have had a difficult week. My father-in-law had a major surgery yesterday. We waited for hours to hear the outcome and prognosis of his situation. He was facing cancer. We prayed for him together as family and friends. We prayed from the very intimate and tender places of our hearts. It was a truly spiritual experience that I will never forget. I could feel the love of Jesus surrounding us and him. At the end of the day, the news was good. Preliminary testing indicates that the tumor was benign. It was a very sweet ending to a long, exhausting day. Thank you, Lord!

The other issue I have been facing this week is a new job opportunity. I have been pretty excited about this potential new job. I have been praying about it for about a week with no real sense of what God wanted me to do in this situation. I had already convinced myself that I would be perfect for the job and that it must be God's will for me to make the change. The new position would have meant working less hours per week and having way less job stress. I would be doing a lot more paperwork and having virtually no life or death situations to deal with. It would also mean that I could sleep much later. My current job requires me to be at work at 5 a.m.. The new job would start at 8 a.m. I could practically envision myself with my head on my pillow enjoying all of the extra sleep I would be getting. The other beautiful benefit of the new job was that I would not have to work any weekends or holidays. I was so convinced that God would want all of these wonderful things for me that I even talked to my boss about applying for the other position.

Well, yesterday as Mike (my husband) and I were on our way to the hospital, the Lord made it abundantly clear what He wanted me to do. Mike and I were talking about this new job and how it would change our routine and home life. As I was talking to Mike, I got this overwhelming sense of what God wanted from me. He told me that I was focusing on all of the wrong things. He said that He loved me but it was not about my comfort. He needed me to stay in my current job. He knew it was stressful, difficult and exhausting. He needed me there to continue to do His work.

I can't tell you how disappointed I was when I got this message. I wanted to cry and almost did. Why? Why could I not have comfort and ease? Why? I pictured myself standing in front of God, pounding on His chest while I threw a tantrum like a two-year-old asking over and over, "Why?" The whole time I ranted and raved, the Lord held me in His arms while enduring my fists against his chest. He loves me no matter how disobedient I am.

This morning as I spent time with the Lord, he gave me these words:

I am well pleased with you, my child. You have been obedient to Me and I am pleased. Continue to seek Me with your whole heart in all of your decisions. You are right to consult Me about a new job. You know what I want from you and where I want you to be. My will is not always easy or comfortable. My will can be exhausting and taxing. No one ever said being a follower of Me would be easy or without hardship. It will be very rewarding, though. Continue to seek My will and not your own. Remember that I will be with you every step of the way. I will never leave your side. I will give you strength and rest. Cast your burdens onto Me. I will give you peace in your soul in the midst of My will.

The scripture He gave me is Philippians 2:12-18.

Do Everything Without Grumbling

 ¹² Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, ¹³ for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

 ¹⁴ Do everything without grumbling or arguing, ¹⁵ so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”^[a] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky ¹⁶ as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. ¹⁷ But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. ¹⁸ So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

It is difficult to do what God wants us to do, especially when every inch of our being wants something different. As His children, God calls us to do this and to do it without complaining. We are so blessed that He is with us at all times to help us accomplish His purpose.
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