In the Desert

I've been in the desert: a spiritual desert. For four years I have been lacking spiritual growth and fulfilment. In the midst of one of the most difficult times in my life, I did not seek God as I should have and I suffered the consequences of my actions. I am still suffering. I was so busy with my life; all of those tasks. I felt that I had to do what I needed to do for my job, my research, and my dissertation. I put God up on this shelf that I rarely visited while I reached a level of function and performance that was honestly amazing. I was like a well-oiled machine. When my research was finished and my dissertation was finally completed, I found myself wandering in the desert and I was so very thirsty. And God was still on that shelf.

As the deer pants for streams of water,

so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

When can I go and meet with God? - Psalm 42: 1, 2

Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." - John 7: 37, 38

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." - John 4: 13, 14

So I began to search for that Living Water to start to quench my thirst. I prayed. I prayed some more. What did the Lord want me to do? I felt awkward. What was I going to do with myself now that my workload decreased to one fourth of what it had been? I found self care again. I began to run regularly. I prayed again. And again after that. I began knitting a sweater. (I still remembered how to knit!) I watched the movie God's Not Dead. I had seen it before and really enjoyed it. However, I was again really impressed yet also very humbled by that movie. Josh, the protagonist in the movie, displayed the kind of faith and courage that I hope to possess one day. He fought for God against great adversity. He made sacrifices within his own life to stand up for God when it seemed that nobody supported him and the easier option would be to deny God. I breathed it in and reflected upon my own geography just on the edge of the desert.

I started reading books that did not relate to research methodology or APA formatting. I found the book All My Knotted-Up Life: A Memoir by Beth Moore. I struggled to really gain interest initially. However, after some consideration, I decided to continue to push through. And then it really clicked for me. I finished the book at a rather slow pace for me, trying to soak in every bit of it. It was a truly amazing, inspirational book. I laughed out loud many times. I cried repeatedly. It was so raw, yet also very polished and thoughtful. Beth Moore laid everything out there, which I appreciated so much. As I learned about Beth's life experiences and how she sought the face of God in everything that she did, I found myself reflecting upon my own life and how I want to seek God. I was inching slightly further toward the edge of the desert.

I dug into the bible. I prayed more. I came to the understanding that the Lord wanted me to come to him. I am His daughter. He missed me and has been looking forward to my return. The Lord also knows me better than I know myself. He knows that I need something to do; a special project to keep me on track. Something to fill all of that time that I devoted to the doctorate program that is now just awkward emptiness. And so this blog was born again out of my necessity for purpose while I begin to seek the face of God again. It is my accountability partner. Through this blog I will continue to find spiritual growth and nearness to my Heavenly Father. I will drink deeply from the Living Water to quench my great thirst for Jesus. My hope is that others may find some inspiration in this journey and quench their thirst as well. 

Healing Rain

Today I feel lead to share a journal entry from September 19, 2011. It describes a time when I strongly felt the presence of the Lord around me.

Sept 19, 2011

I am sitting outside on the front porch. The rain is gently falling, cleansing the earth. The summer was hot and dry. We had very little rain. I have learned to really appreciate the rain and be thankful for it. I am almost in awe of the gentle, soothing sound it makes as it hits the leaves and ground. The overcast sky with a fog-like mist adds to the peacefulness of the rain. I have never enjoyed the rain like I do now. I have missed the rain. I sense more than just rain. I feel like God is telling me that He is here, surrounding me with His love and peace as He gently cleanses away the filth of my sins. This same cleansing rain also serves as water that soaks into my roots, quenching my thirst for Him. This water provides the very life to my soul as well as my physical body. This water can only be provided by the Lord and it will sustain me forever - for eternity. The healing waters of the Lord wash over me and flow through me. The rain has picked up. It is coming down very hard now. The air is thick with rain and I can see it bouncing off the road in front of our house. I can feel it's mist on my body. I can hear it pouring off the roof, creating a stream on the ground.

The Lord is here and He will sustain me. He will fill me. He will quench my thirst. He will cleanse me. He renews me and makes me whole again. Without Him I am broken . . . I am nothing and can do nothing without Him. I will stand against the devil's schemes and put on the full armor of God. I will stand firm in faith. It reminds me of one of my favorite verses, Jeremiah 17:7-8:

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in Him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes:
its leaves are always green
It has no worries in the year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

I felt the Lord interacting with me that day as I sat on the porch enjoying the rain. I could feel Him drawing me near. I felt like God was the rain, comforting me and surrounding me with his cleansing presence. I feel like every one of God's children can experience him in this personal way. He wants to know us intimately. If you have never experienced the Lord in this way and long to have this kind of relationship with Him, get down on your knees and pray what is truly in your heart. When you are done praying, sit and listen for His response. You may be very surprised about what He has to say to you, I know I was. Don't be discouraged if you don't hear from the Lord. We all have our own unique gifts and He reveals Himself to us in different ways. If you regularly pray and listen from your heart, God will meet you there. Go and see where your journey takes you!
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