The Raspberry Patch

In complete transparency I have been avoiding writing this post. I have been feeling pressured to deliver something amazing; something better than the previous post and the post before that. And so I have been dragging my feet and avoiding writing this post. 

Here's another confession: I am a total perfectionist. Anyone who knows me at all is aware of this. I desire to be perfect in all that I do. I struggle to let things go because of my ongoing desire for perfection. I spend hours upon hours working to create end products that are completely perfect. One example of this involves black raspberries. We live on a small farm that has some overgrown fence rows that contain many, many wild raspberry bushes. I didn't realize how many raspberries there were until I become intent upon picking them. I decided that it was my job to pick all of the black raspberries so they would not go to waste. I picked raspberries for hours in 88 degree weather while wearing long pants and long sleeves to deter ticks and injury from thorns. I was determined as I entered unchartered raspberry patches while enduring thorns that ripped through my clothes and into the tender skin on my arms, hands, and legs. I became overwhelmed by the sheer number of raspberries. I was a woman possessed. I was scraped, poked, scratched, and bleeding. I looked like small animals had mauled me during me sleep. After three and a half hours of picking, I finally realized that it was not feasible or healthy for me to pick every raspberry. I was only able to pick about one third of the raspberries. I decided to let the rest go, which was incredibly difficult for me as a perfectionist.

Before you continue on in this post, do yourself a favor and take a few minutes to listen to and reflect upon the song below. It is such a powerful song that will help to set the tone for the rest of this post. 

I don't know about you, but my desire for perfection is an ongoing battle that I struggle with daily that sometimes interrupts my ability to find peace within myself and my life. When I reflect upon this song and what it means to me, I realize that no matter how hard I try, I will never actually achieve perfection. I am human and will therefore never be perfect. I also realize that I don't have to be perfect. According to scripture, we don't have to be perfect because Jesus is perfect and He sacrificed His life to make us holy and perfect in the eyes of God. Please pause and take some time read about Jesus' death in John 19 and His resurrection in John 20. According to Hebrews 10: 14 - 18, we are made perfect through Jesus' sacrifice:

Because by one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy. The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First He says:

"This is the covenant I will make with them

after that time, says the Lord.

I will put my laws in their hearts,

and I will write them on their minds."

Then He adds:

"Their sins and lawless acts 

I will remember no more." 

And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin.

- Hebrews 10:14-18

So how do we receive this gift of perfection through Jesus' sacrifice? Let's look again to scripture:

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

- John 3:16

That if you confess with you mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in you heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. 

- Romans 10:9,10

You have to first believe in Jesus and His sacrificial death and resurrection. After that, you need to confess out loud to God that you are sinful and that you believe that you are saved through Jesus's sacrifice. You should then seek to become closer to God through regular prayer and bible reading. Ask God to help you to accomplish His purpose for you within your life. Seek Him often and with passion.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge Him,

and He will make your paths straight.

- Proverbs 3:5,6

But what does all of this mean in our ongoing struggle with perfection? As I mentioned above, we don't have to be perfect because Jesus makes us perfect through His sacrifice. The other thing that you need to know is that while God expects you to do work for Him and His kingdom while seeking His purpose for you, you will never achieve salvation or perfection through those good works; only through your acceptance of Jesus. So your good works or actions do not have to be perfect. If your actions align with God's will for your life, then He will use them for His greater purpose to draw you and others closer to Him. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

- Romans 8:28

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

- Ephesians 2:10

So the next time you are feeling overwhelmed with the pressure to be perfect, take a deep breath and just let it go. Ask God to take that burden from you. You don't have to be perfect. God created you to be unique and wonderful. He loves you for who you are. He will meet you where you are in all of your flaws and imperfection. And if you seek Him, He will use you and the work that you do for Him to further His kingdom. 

The Words Just Wouldn't Come . . .

I’ve been trying to get these words on my blog for the past few weeks. I had to come up with a new, slightly more difficult way to make that happen, but here they finally are . . .

Well, I started to blog this evening and I quickly realized that God did not want me to do that. I sat at my computer and tried to think about what to blog. I did feel like I was forcing it a bit. The words just wouldn’t come but I still sat there typing. I titled my post and then tried to start typing the body of my piece. I literally could not type. I mean, my hands were compressing the keys but no words were appearing. I couldn’t even locate the cursor on my screen. I was getting frustrated. I switched to my iPad . . . same problem. No words! I spent several more minutes trying to brainstorm how I could fix this issue. And then I realized…God doesn’t want me blogging tonight. He doesn’t want me forcing some words onto my blog . . . strike that . . . His blog, just because I felt like I need to produce something for all of my adoring followers. (LOL) So I got the hint. I turned off my computer and put down my iPad. I grabbed my journal and listened for the voice of God. I can most clearly hear His voice with pen and paper in hand. It feels so natural and pure. The words flow out of me in a way that is almost supernatural. I hear from Him and it thrills me. To see His words on my page is an amazing and wonderful experience.

Well, anyway . . . I think I may be babbling a bit. What I’m trying to say is that we can’t force the things of God. They should be natural and completely of Him. When we try to do things on our own, even when it’s with good intention and something that would likely be pleasing to God, it may not necessarily be God’s plan for us. When we follow a path that is not God’s plan, it will not end well. Trust me, I know. I have traveled those paths, all the while thinking God would approve. It lead to extended and painful despair. I grew further from Him. It was very unpleasant.

Basically, I feel like God wants us to actively seek Him and His plan for us. He wants us to consult Him in all of our decisions. He doesn’t want us to come up with our own plan and be like, “OK, God. I have this fabulous plan and it’s going to be great for you, too. Are you on board?” He wants to be the driver while we ride in the passenger seat. Oh, how very difficult it is to relinquish all control to Our Loving Father. I still struggle with this daily because I am so far from perfect. But in the times I have sought the Lord and His plan for me with all of my heart, I was rewarded with an absolutely amazing sense of peace and closeness to God. So what I’m trying to say in case you’ve missed it . . . Seek Him with all of your heart and all of your soul and all of your mind. You will be astonished to find out what will happen after that.

OK. God bless you if you’re still with me here. I feel such a strong desire to tell this story even though it’s not related to the rest of this post. My husband was helping me fold laundry the other day. Yes, it was very sweet of him to help. Anyway, we were putting clothes on hangers. I put a couple of pairs of my dress pants on hangers and he put another pair on a hanger. He sat that pair off to the other side of the bed. He finished and walked away. I’m pretty sure I can remember looking for the pair of pants that he put on the hanger and they were not there. I didn’t think much about it. I thought he probably just took them upstairs to the closet in which I keep my dress pants. I hung up the rest of the clothes. The day ended…we went to bed. About three days later, I wanted to wear my brown dress pants. I started looking for them and they were nowhere! I searched the house twice and couldn’t find them. It was then that I remembered the previous incident. My husband had absolutely no recollection of the event of course. He said that I hung up all of my pants. I was pretty sure that he thought that I was a freak. I was certain that I wasn’t hallucinating. He then searched the house and . . . nothing! No pants! It’s not like the pants were all that expensive. I can easily go get another pair just like them. But I can’t stop thinking about those pants! Where are they?!! Where did they go?! My husband suggests that maybe I never even had brown dress pants in the first place. Am I losing my mind? Ugghh! I think I have brown dress pants . . . don’t I?

The Other Side of the Door

As I sit here staring at my blank computer screen, I think back on everything that's happened in the last year and I wonder how I'm ever going to put into words all that I need to say. So much has happened that I can't even fathom how I can write about it and even do it justice. And then I realize that I really shouldn't even worry about it. It's out of my hands. God will give me the words that He wants me to write. I just need to put this into His hands and it will turn out exactly as He planned.

I am such a changed person for what I've experienced in my life lately. I'm not saying that I've changed for the better. I've just changed. This year I hit absolutely the lowest point in my entire life. I was completely hopeless. I found myself in a situation that I didn't think I could endure anymore. I felt like there was no way out and no one to talk to that would even begin to understand how I felt. I'm certain that my husband thought I was completely crazy when I tried to talk to him about my feelings. He was the only one I really talked to about the situation. I kept everything under wraps from everyone else. I felt so alone.

I needed God desperately and I felt like He wasn't there anymore. I couldn't feel Him. I didn't hear from Him like I once did. I grew so far from Him that eventually I just stopped looking for Him. I spent my days feeling sorry for myself and wondering if and how I would ever get out of the horror that I was living. I spiraled quickly into a total mess that couldn't even get through a day without crying at least twice. I hated who I had become and thought I would never again be that strong, spiritual woman I had once been.

And then God opened a door for me. After eight months of enduring what seemed like hell, it ended. That trial was finally over! And much to my surprise, I had survived! I was worn and ragged, but I made it through nonetheless. That chapter of my life closed and a new one began.

My new endeavor started one month ago today. I found myself again in unchartered waters. I was scared to embark on another new journey. I again felt vulnerable and clueless. I put my faith in God and pushed forward.

I'm pleased to say that I'm really happy in my new journey. It's completely different than anything I've ever done but it's rewarding and I feel good about what I'm doing. It has resulted in many changes for me and my family. I have considerably less alone time now but more time with my family. I still have a lot to learn as I continue on this path.

I certainly am still not where I once was spiritually. I think back about how close I was to the Lord and it saddens me that I'm not there anymore. I felt like I had such a personal, even supernatural relationship with God. I miss that. I regret more than anything that I've lost that. I can't even really explain what it felt like to experience God in that way. It was like an overwhelming sense of peace resulting in a warm tingling that seemed to envelope my whole body. It was a fullness in my chest during worship that I knew without a doubt was the Holy Spirit. It was a feeling that God had this and God had me and everything would be alright.

Well, now I must turn my eyes to Jesus and seek Him with everything that I have. My personal goal is to grow again in the Lord and to accomplish His purpose for me. I would love to experience Him again in the ways that I once have. I have a feeling that through this recent trial that I have endured, God was preparing me for something even greater than I can imagine.

Mark 12:30

New International Version (NIV)

³⁰ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.
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Down

Oh, it's been so long since I've blogged. The reason is simply because I've really not been in a good place in my life lately. I haven't felt like I had any inspiring words to share. But then I guess we don't always need to have pretty, happy words to share. Sometimes words have the most impact when they are completely real and raw, from the very depths of our soul. I just spent time with the Lord and I feel strongly that he wants me to share something right now. He said the words will come.

I've been down. So very, very down. I am frustrated with the state of my life. I would actually have to admit that I'm depressed. I dislike my job so much right now that it has affected my entire life, every aspect of my existence. I feel physically incapable of happiness at this point in my life. I cry bitterly often. I am a total mess. This has affected my marriage and my family. I want so badly to have a new job . . . a job that I actually enjoy. I've wanted this for the past six months. I've prayed and prayed, begging and pleading with God . . . and nothing. Here I still am in the same job. I believe I had actually lost all hope and faith. I hate saying that. It's so horrible. But it's true. I didn't really know what else to do. What else could I possibly do? I had applied for at least 15 other jobs. Nothing happened. I felt a bit like I had leprosy. Nobody would give me the time of day.

I understand that I have no control over this. If God doesn't want me to have a new job, then it's not going to happen. I have been told numerous times that I must be patient and wait for God's timing. Definitely easier said than done. It's a different story when you're the one who has to be patient and wait, especially when you are miserable.

So now you're up to speed about where I'm at in my life and what I've been dealing with. I'm waiting. And it's very, VERY difficult. I'm going to take one day at a time. So even though I am scared and I can't see where the path goes, I'm going to have faith and trust in the Lord. (Oh, by the way, God did tell me he would move in this. He just didn't tell me when or how.) I'm going to seek God and be obedient to him. I'm going to keep praying. (I'm sure he may be really tired of hearing from me about this, but I'm going to keep praying about it anyway.) And I'm going to surround myself with the things of God. I will do this by reading his word and listening to Christian music. I strongly believe in the power of music. AND I WILL NOT GIVE UP! Satan has been trying to get me down but I will not give in to him! Did you know that according to the bible, Satan must leave us when we command him to leave in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit? Pretty cool, huh?

More to come later . . .

Worn

Sometimes life is so overwhelming and exhausting that you really can't even find any words. That is how I have been feeling lately. I know that God has a plan for me and my life and that I must be patient. His timing is certainly different from mine. Eternity to me is but only a second to my Heavenly Father. This first video is a song that I heard on the radio last night. It really spoke to me. The words in this song are the very words in my own heart. The second video is the story of how this song was written. Both videos are very powerful tools that the Lord is using to comfort his people and draw them closer to him. May these videos bless you the same way they have blessed me.

Matthew 11:28-29

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

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Lost

I sit here staring at this blank screen wondering how I'm going to say everything that I need to say. It's not that I don't feel like I can get it all out there, it's that I want to do it in a way that is most pleasing to God. I want to honor him with these words and with my life. Writing has always come easily to me and I know now that this is one of my God-given gifts. I often feel like I'm not even the one writing these words. They can flow through me so readily and rapidly that I feel more like an instrument for the words of God to flow through.

I realize that unless you have experienced God in this way, you may not understand what I'm even talking about. I have experienced Our Heavenly Father in a way that many others may not even know is possible. I am blessed to have seen him, heard him and felt him in my life. I have physically heard his voice calling my name. I have seen images that can only be described as from the spiritual realm. I have felt the physical touch of his hand on the back of my neck. Most of these experiences have come to me late at night while I am drifting off to sleep. I have often wondered if this is the ideal time for God to interact with me because my mind is at rest and free from distraction.

Well, anyway, I'm really just stalling because I know that what I need to say is going to be difficult. Admitting your own weakness is certainly never easy. I'll start by saying that lately I have been so consumed by the negative aspects of my life that I haven't even been living my life. Let me take you back to the very beginning . . .

I had felt for several months that I needed to make a job change. I can't really explain it other than I just knew it was time for me to move on and that God's work for me was somewhere else. I found a job at a completely different facility. I applied, interviewed and was offered the job. I struggled greatly with my decision. I didn't really feel like I had a sense of what God wanted me to do. After much prayer, I decided to take the job.

I knew by day two of orientation that I had made a huge mistake. I was not happy in my new job. I continued on, hoping that the newness would wear off, my uneasiness would subside and I would grow to like my new endeavor. That didn't happen. My dislike grew to hatred and I gradually became completely consumed by trying to figure out how to get out of my new job. I was desperate for an immediate change. I was beginning to make myself and my family miserable. I couldn't function outside of my job. I feel like I was trying to do a decent job in my work and my superiors told me that they were very pleased with how I was doing. However, outside of work I completely shut down. All of my relationships began to suffer. I felt so sorry for myself that I could barely function. I put everything on hold, pending on my much-anticipated job change. I was just waiting for my life to return to a more favorable state. I stopped doing God's work. I stopped singing with the worship team at church. I eventually stopped posting in my blog. I no longer read the bible on a regular basis.

I will say that I prayed all the time. I prayed for my family and friends, but I mostly prayed for myself and my job issues. I begged and pleaded with the Lord several times each day.  My vision blurred on the long drives to and from work as I wept bitterly, pouring my heart out to God.

I then discovered a new job. It was completely different from my previous work. I could really see myself in this job and I thought that I would really prosper in this new opportunity. It was a newly-created position that I thought God made just for me. I soared quickly and easily through the interview process. I was told that my interview was excellent and that I presented myself very well. I thought the job was surely mine.

And then I got the email. They offered the job to someone else! I completely lost it. I hit rock bottom. I felt like I was drowning in a pit of despair. I was trapped in this job that I hate and now there was no hope of any way out! I had pinned all of my hope to this job that now belonged to someone else. I was angry and confused. I felt so sad and betrayed. I cried out bitterly to God. Why?!! Why did this happen?!! What did I do to deserve this?!! Why would God want me to be miserable in my work? I thought and said things that I regretted. I yelled at my husband. I hated myself and felt responsible for the state of my life. What was I to do now? I didn't know how I could go on. I couldn't keep going back to that job that I hate. I just couldn't! What was I going to do? I wanted to completely give up on my job and my life. I felt lost.  

After tossing and turning all night I managed to drag myself to church the next morning, still feeling sorry for myself. I could hardly believe it when I heard the sermon. I thought that Pastor Greg was talking directly to me. I realize that the message was for me but that it was God who was doing the talking. Pastor Greg spoke about how the Lord has been working on him for the past month. He said that God was doing surgery on his soul and that he was removing the pride from his life. He said he didn't even know that he had this pride until the Lord showed it to him. He accounted that the process was very difficult and painful and that he fought it at first but that the Lord has helped him to grow spiritually into a completely new man. He said God was moving him to tell us all to give our sins and burdens over to God so he can work within us and heal us.

It was then that I recognized how selfish I was being. I wanted a perfect job and a perfect life and I was throwing a fit about it. I wanted things my way and I was not at all interested in what God wanted me to do. I realized that sometimes being in God's will is not easy and not comfortable. I went to the alter to pray and make myself right before the Lord. I felt humbled, cleansed and renewed.

I'm not going to tell you that I magically have a sudden love for my job because I don't. I can say that I do feel a sense of peace about the situation. I know that this journey that I'm on will probably continue to be difficult and somewhat painful. I've come to terms with the fact that for some reason the Lord wants me to be right where I am right now. He may have some kind of work for me there or maybe he will work within me through this experience to help me grow spiritually and be a better servant for him. Even though it's not easy to move on without knowing where God's plan will lead, I will go forward trusting in him and having faith that he knows what is best for me.

James 5:7-12

⁷ Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. ⁸ You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. ⁹ Don’t grumble against one another, brothers and sisters, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door!

¹⁰ Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. ¹¹ As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.
¹² Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. All you need to say is a simple “Yes” or “No.” Otherwise you will be condemned.
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Roadblock

Sometimes life is so hard. Making a decision that will affect your life and your family's life in a huge way is certainly difficult. So many hours of praying and waiting with still no clear direction from God is indeed a challenge. When this happens, I recommend that you follow your first instinct. It is usually the one that comes from your heart. If your heart is actively seeking God, this first instinct is usually the right one.

I believe that we can get in a place in our life when we just need a change. We can get burnt out and lose the passion that we once felt for what we've been doing for the last fourteen years. When we get to this point, any change can look good. I also believe that the devil can entice us into making a change that is not right for us at that time. He will make it look great. He can even make it look like it is something that is God's will.

Have you ever made an important decision and then discovered within about 2 days that you made the wrong one? It's such a horrible feeling. You can't go back to what you had before because what's done is done. And when you think about it you know you don't really want to go back because deep down inside it doesn't feel right to you anymore either. You're trapped. You feel caught between a rock and a hard place. You long for something different but aren't sure what that is or where that is. What do you do now? Who do you turn to?

Well, I believe the only answer is to turn to Jesus. He is always the right answer. Even when we have made the most horrible decisions possible, Jesus will always be right there beside us. He knows us even better than we know ourselves. He knows our deepest, most intimate thoughts . . . the things within our hearts that we've never told anyone about because we are too ashamed. Jesus knows all of this about us and he still loves us unconditionally. He loves us so much that he endured tremendous pain and suffering while he died for our sins. Who else do you know that has done this for you? He died for me and he died for you. Why did he do this? He did these things for us so that we could be saved from a horrible fate . . . eternal separation from God (also know as spending the rest of your life in hell.) What an amazing gift that is available to anyone who will accept it! What do you have to do to accept it? Simply acknowledge that you have sinned, ask Jesus to forgive you, recognize that he died for your sins and rose again and then ask him to guide your life. You will be amazed at what will happen. I know that I was.

So that's where I'm at right now. I'm realizing that I made the wrong decision. (Oh how difficult it is to admit that you're wrong, especially when it includes telling your husband that he was right.) But I'm also trusting in God. I'm looking to him as I take this one day at a time. I'm worshipping him in the midst of this turmoil. I'm seeking his face with all of my heart and soul. I know that I need him and can do nothing (NOTHING) without him. I will wait patiently as he finds a place for me. I also realize that God knew that I would make this wrong decision and I will try to accomplish his work while I am there. These are just a few of the words I got from the Lord this morning, "Oh, my child, I love you. I am yours and you are mine. Sometimes you must make the wrong decision to find the right one. I will bring good of this if you let me. Look to me and trust me in this. Continue to worship me with all of your heart, my daughter. I will never leave you: not in this, not ever. You are precious to me and I want what is good and right for you."

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Oh and one more thing. . . if you pray that God will block something if it is not his will and then you literally drive up to a road block on your way to the thing you've been praying about, take it seriously. It may indeed be God's way of telling you that he is "blocking" it.
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The End of a Journey

Lately as I work, I can't help but think about how my time there is almost over. I have only a few short days until this chapter of my life will end and a new chapter will begin. I remember when I first started fourteen and a half years ago as a brand new nurse. I was completely clueless and very naive. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. To be completely honest, it was pretty rough at first but I somehow survived and even prospered.

I have accumulated an abundance of knowledge over these years. My experience is truly priceless and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I feel like I've seen or done just about everything possible. I've encountered people at their best and people at their worst. I've been involved in situations that have made me cry from the deepest part of my soul, wondering why the Lord would allow someone to suffer so tremendously. I've enjoyed triumphs greater than I could have ever imagined. I'd like to think that I've touched the lives of some of my patients. Many of them have genuinely touched my life.

My coworkers have become like my family. I have had days that I don't think I could have endured without them. We've shared so many tears and a lot of laughter. We've been each other's listening ears and encouragers. I feel honored and privileged to have worked so closely with such a great group of people. We have worked together as one unit, doing whatever it takes to get the job done right. Anyone who wonders what real teamwork looks like should get a glimpse of the staff of an emergency department or trauma unit. I have really enjoyed working with them all of these years. They are an invaluable wealth of knowledge and experience. I would trust them completely with my own life. I will miss them so much. I am choking back tears just thinking about it as I type this.

It was very difficult for me to make this decision. I didn't really have a clear direction from the Lord in this. I believe that a lot of the uncertainty stemmed from the sacrifices that accompany this choice. I will be driving 19 miles farther and will be taking a significant pay cut initially. Sometimes we must make sacrifices to be in God's will. He has made the ultimate sacrifice for us and he expects us to sacrifice for him as well.

When I went to job shadow, I knew that the job would be a good fit for me and that I would enjoy it. I also had this overwhelming feeling that they need me and that I am meant to be there at this time in my life. I feel like I have made the right decision. I remember someone telling me once that God doesn't want us to be comfortable in our lives. He wants us to step outside of the box and rely completely on him. If we were always comfortable then we would probably feel very self-sufficient and would think we didn't need God at all.

I have to admit that I feel a bit anxious as I look forward to starting my new job. I had a complete meltdown the day I put in my two week notice. I literally sat on the living room floor sobbing as I wondered if I had made a huge mistake. Change, whether good or bad, is always difficult. We are safe in our daily routines, seeing the same people we see every day and doing the things we've done hundreds or thousands of times. It feels very uneasy to embark on a new journey when the future is uncertain. It's hard to take the first step when you can't see the rest of the staircase.

I will move forward in faith and trust in the Lord and his plan for me. I completely put this into his hands. I know that he has great things in store for me and probably a few new life lessons along the way.

2 Corinthians 5:7

⁷ For we live by faith, not by sight.

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The Courage of Esther

I sat in church this morning awaiting the usual Mother's Day sermon, expecting to be crying by the end of the service. Usually Mother's Day brings a sermon that makes me question what kind of a mother I really am. I can still remember how completely incompetent I felt a few years ago when the Mother's Day sermon was about the wife of noble character from Proverbs 31:10- 31. I don't know a single woman who would live up to those standards. I'm not saying these sermons are bad. I will be the first to admit that I think everyone needs to hear a sermon that really makes them feel convicted every now and then. I believe this will make us evaluate who we are as a Christian, a parent, a spouse, etc and then strive to become the best person we can be. However, such was not the case this morning in church. The sermon came from a forgotten book in the Old Testament called Esther. When I first became a Christian, I read the entire Bible from beginning to end in about a year. For some unknown reason I completely did not remember reading the book of Esther. I found myself sitting and listening intently as the sermon unfolded, enthralled by the life of Esther.

Esther was a young Jewish girl when the king began his search for a queen. A quest for beautiful young virgins began in the kingdom. Esther lost her parents as a child and was being raised by her uncle. Esther, who was a young to mid teen, was chosen for her beauty and taken against her will to the palace with several other young women. She spent the next year of her life undergoing extensive beauty treatments before she could even meet the king. During her first meeting with the king, she lost her virginity to him. All of the chosen virgins would lose their virginity to the king. This could have been the only time Esther ever met the king. She did find favor with the king and became his queen. All along, she kept her Jewish heritage a secret. I thought about Esther's life and what dreams she might have had. What did she give up when she was taken from her family?

While Esther was queen, she learned of a plot to kill all Jews in the kingdom. Upon the prompting of a close nobleman, the king issued a decree to support this plan. Esther's uncle asked her to go before the king to try to stop this command. Esther informed her uncle that anyone who went before the king without being summoned would die unless the king held out his golden scepter to have that person's life spared. Her uncle again pleaded that Esther intercede on behalf of her people. She agreed to go before the king with this request. Can you imagine how difficult this decision must have been for Esther? She, a teenager, had the weight of every Jewish person's life on her shoulders. She knew she could have been easily put to death for approaching the king about this matter. When she did decide to go through with it, she instructed her uncle to have all of the Jews fast and pray for her for three days. She and her maids also fasted and prayed for three days.

Esther went before the king and he not only spared her life but the lives of all of the Jewish people. He sent another decree to allow all of the Jewish people to defend themselves against their attackers. (No decree from the king could ever be revoked, therefore the previous decree still stood.) The Jews successfully fought off thousands of enemies. The nobleman responsible for formulating the plot was hung and Esther's uncle took his place as second to the king.

I think this story is an amazing testimony of God's awesome power. He used Esther in her unfortunate circumstances to accomplish His will for His people. He placed her there in the palace in a position of influence. She was one person who followed God's prompting and saved the lives of thousands of God's people. What if she decided to ignore God's request? What would have happened to the Jewish people? Esther's courageous act completely overwhelms me. I think of my own life and the daily decisions I make and I can't even begin to compare them to the magnitude of Esther's difficult decision. I admire her for her selflessness as she put her own life on the line for her people. I wonder if I would have the courage to do the same. Sometimes I can feel God tapping me on the shoulder and telling me to do something that seems completely out of the question to me at the time. Thoughts of failure and ridicule plague my mind as I ponder the unimaginable task the Lord has planned for me. I will try to remember Esther and her inspiring story as I go about my own life. When I feel God telling me to do something, I will try to follow the Lord's plan, with His constant help, of course. I would hate to think about what would happen if I decided to ignore God's prompting and not fulfill His plan for me.

Oh, and one last thing. Did you catch the part about the fasting and prayer? Esther didn't do anything until she and many other people fasted and prayed about it for three days. God wants us to pray about things before we do them. He wants us to consult Him in all of our decisions and the way to do this is through prayer. I completely believe that if Esther and others hadn't prayed about it first, Esther may have failed. Esther was wise beyond her years when she decided to pray first. If we don't ask, we can't receive.

Matthew 7:8
For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Mark 11:24
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
John 16:24
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
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Distracted . . . to Peaceful

I spent time with the Lord this morning. I prayed for those in my life who are ill, hurting or need prayer in other ways. Then I sat and listened. At first, I didn't get any words from the Lord. I sat there at the table and listened to the sounds of the house: the washing machine swishing, the dryer running and the tick-tocking of a nearby clock. I really tried to focus and relax. I shut my eyes. I thought I could hear the faint humming of the refrigerator. I found that as hard as I was trying, I just couldn't obtain complete concentration due to the lack of silence. My thoughts were interrupted by these random sounds. I was distracted by the things around me. I really thought about this and realized that God was showing me something important here. It reminded me of a vision that I had a few years ago.

I can actually remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting at the triage desk at work waiting for the next patient to come. I was looking out the front window when I saw a vision of a long road or path. At the end of the path was the Lord. The path was littered with a lot of large debris like fallen trees, garbage, man-made things, etc. In order to get down this path to the Lord, I must remove all of the debris. With each piece of debris that I remove, the easier it is to get down the path and the closer I get to the Lord. The path in this vision is my life and my walk with the Lord. The debris is every distraction (good or bad) that gets in the way of me following the Lord. I must put all things aside to focus on the Lord. This includes all of the emotional "garbage" that I've collected over the years as well as the worldly distractions that are all around me.

How easy is it to let things of the world distract us from spending necessary time with the Lord? It doesn't take much for us to get caught up in worldly desires and activities. These distractions aren't always considered "sinful" either. Watching too much television or spending a lot of time surfing the Internet can certainly interfere with our devotional time. I admit that I have actually let my favorite hobby of knitting come between me and God. The Lord wants our best. He wants our first, not our last. He wants our attention, devotion, love, faithfulness and time. He wants us to come to Him regularly to completely give ourselves over to Him. He wants us to follow Him and be like Him. That's one reason He gave us Jesus. He sent His Son to this world as a living, breathing, perfect example for us to follow. Then He documented these specific examples of perfection from Jesus' life in the Holy Bible. He wants us to read it and to learn about Jesus so that we can be like Him. And then He wants us to teach our children how to be like Jesus. He doesn't want us to stop there, He wants us to tell our family, our friends, our coworkers, our enemies - well, pretty much everyone we can about Jesus and His perfect example of life. We need to tell others how He is working in our lives and share the Good News. That is why I started this blog, to share God and what He is doing in my life with anyone who is willing to sit and read it.

I'm certainly not perfect. Trust me, I am far from perfection. Jesus is the only person who is truly perfect in every way. I'm just saying that when I feel the Lord prompting me to do or say something, I try to be obedient. This is sometimes very difficult. Often people look at me like I'm an absolute freak. But that's OK, I don't really care. I just want to carry out God's plan for me. I feel that if I don't respond to God's calling, I or someone else will most likely miss out on His wonderful blessings.

I will admit that lately I haven't been spending time in the Lord like I should. I can feel a difference in myself and see a difference in my life. First of all I can tell that I'm just a little grumpier or crankier than usual. I don't get along with my family as well. It seems like we argue and disagree more. I just feel uneasy or unsettled . . . like I don't have that peace. You know, the peace of God that transcends all understanding? When I don't spend regular time with God, that peace is gone. I hate that. And then when I start to draw closer to Him again, the peace returns like water gently flowing over me. That, my friends, is truly the greatest feeling in the world - the peace of God. Have you experienced it? 

Beautiful Snowflake

The closer I draw to the Lord, the more I see His amazing work in my life. He is all around me, in every detail of my life. I see Him in the people, situations and single moments in my life. I"m not sure why I didn't notice the magnitude of His work in my life before. I'm certain that He has always been at work around me. Perhaps I have been motivated by my own selfish desires and too wrapped up in my own agenda to notice Him. The more I seek Him, the more I see Him all around me. To be completely honest, He absolutely astonishes me with His goodness and blessings. I see things now that I never noticed before. I would love to share some of these things with you.

A few weeks ago I met a woman that is truly a servant of God. Lets call her Beth. Beth was a complete stranger when the Lord crossed her path with mine for a brief moment. She has been caring for her disabled teenage son for all of his life. Her son is unable to walk. Beth provides all of his care, including lifting him regularly by herself. She also takes care of her 90 year old grandmother. Beth's grandmother has an arm fracture and is also unable to walk. Beth provides all of her grandmother's care, including lifting her regularly by herself. I could see that Beth was overwhelmed with her responsibilities so I discussed with Beth the possibility of placing her grandmother in an extended care facility. Beth said that she would never let that happen. She said that her grandmother raised her because her alcoholic, drug-addicted mother left her and her father when she was an infant. Beth said that she knows that God will help her care for her family. I admire Beth and her selflessness. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for her to care for her family daily. I'm sure she must make regular sacrifices to provide for them in this way. As I reflect on Beth, I know that I probably wouldn't have given her another thought if not for God's prompting. I find that Beth is frequently on my mind and I pray for her and her family often. I feel like I can see God's good in people now. I was once judgemental and critical of others.



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This weekend we went to the grocery store. I know that this doesn't sound very profound. As we were walking through the parking lot, we couldn't help but notice the huge, fluffy clumps of snow falling from the sky. We have had very little snow so far this winter so we marveled at the beauty of the snowfall. My son and I stopped to catch some of the falling snow on our coat sleeves. As we looked at the clumps of snow, we noticed that each clump was made up of several intricately-detailed snowflakes stuck together. Each snowflake was beautiful but different from the other. I couldn't help but wonder how anyone could look at a snowflake and not know for sure that there is an Awesome Creator. The amazing detail of each snowflake is certainly not something that can happen by chance. Isn't God cool that He makes these beautiful little masterpieces fall all around us every time that it snows? And then I thought about how small each individual flake is and how many, many flakes clumped together can create a complete transformation of the world around us. I compared it to each one of God's children. He makes us all beautiful in our own way. However, we can still feel small and insignificant in this vast and sometimes brutal world around us. When we join in His name with His other servants to become His body of Christ, we can accomplish things that would be otherwise insurmountable.

Yesterday I cleaned the house. I hate cleaning the house. Besides having dental work or a medical procedure, cleaning the house is my least favorite thing to do. Well, anyway, I cleaned the house because it really needed to be done. I decided to listen to my Ipod to make the experience more pleasant. I knew that my Ipod wasn't completely charged. When I turned it on, I noticed that it had slightly less than half of the battery. I started playing my "worship songs" playlist and went about the business of cleaning, expecting my Ipod to die within about an hour. Roughly an hour later, I barely heard the phone ringing. I stopped the music and answered the phone. When I hung up, I looked at my Ipod again. The battery bar was red now and showed pretty much no battery left. Well, I decided to keep listening to my worship music since it hadn't died yet. Our cat followed me around the house and looked at me like I was a freak as I belted out all of my favorite worship songs. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I cleaned at least another two and a half hours and my Ipod never died. Such a God thing. :)

As I was dusting the shelves in our living room, I noticed the two small wooden shoes that my grandparents had carved several years ago. I have dusted the same shoes many times before. As I was listening to my worship music and praising God while I cleaned, a new thought popped into my mind. I thought about the tiny wooden shoes and how we obtained them. I remembered that it was back when I was a freshman in high school and I was dating my husband. I took him to our family Christmas at my grandparents' house. My grandmother was a kind and loving woman that would never want anyone to feel uncomfortable or unloved. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was very surprised when he was presented with the small gift to open. My grandmother had given him the small wooden shoe that my grandfather had carved and she had stained. Not more than a month later, Mike and I broke up. I never really thought about the shoe after that. We of course got back together (two years later). Just a few months after Christmas, my grandmother was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. She died that spring. I still miss her so much even now. I had a very close, special relationship with her and my grandfather. When she died, our family fell apart. She was that special ingredient, the glue that held everything together. As I held the shoes I thought about how she is still so much a part of me today. I wouldn't be who I am now without her and the experiences we shared. Then I wondered when I got the other shoe. I thought I could remember getting it as a birthday present when I was a child. My grandparents always gave us hand-carved pieces as gifts. How awesome to now have these two shoes together as a pair, one appropriately smaller and than the other. They remind me of my husband and I being a pair and walking through life together. I am thankful that the Lord brought these things to my mind again. How awesome He is that He brought these two shoes back together. He knew those many years ago that they would be a pair someday. He also knew how special it would be that my grandmother was such a big part of that story.

I attribute my new found spiritual clarity to being closer to God. He is making me more like Him and therefore I can see Him all around me with renewed clarity. The following scripture says it better than I ever could.

1 Corinthians 2:6-16

God’s Wisdom Revealed by the Spirit

 ⁶ We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. ⁷ No, we declare God’s wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. ⁸ None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. ⁹ However, as it is written:

   “What no eye has seen,
   what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”^[a]—
   the things God has prepared for those who love him—

 ¹⁰ these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.

   The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. ¹¹ For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. ¹² What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. ¹³ This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words.^{[b] 14} The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. ¹⁵ The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, ¹⁶ for,

   “Who has known the mind of the Lord
   so as to instruct him?”^[c]
   But we have the mind of Christ.

As I was working on this post, which I had already entitled "Beautiful Snowflake," I opened my Dove chocolate to the following message:


another God thing!

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