Lost

I sit here staring at this blank screen wondering how I'm going to say everything that I need to say. It's not that I don't feel like I can get it all out there, it's that I want to do it in a way that is most pleasing to God. I want to honor him with these words and with my life. Writing has always come easily to me and I know now that this is one of my God-given gifts. I often feel like I'm not even the one writing these words. They can flow through me so readily and rapidly that I feel more like an instrument for the words of God to flow through.

I realize that unless you have experienced God in this way, you may not understand what I'm even talking about. I have experienced Our Heavenly Father in a way that many others may not even know is possible. I am blessed to have seen him, heard him and felt him in my life. I have physically heard his voice calling my name. I have seen images that can only be described as from the spiritual realm. I have felt the physical touch of his hand on the back of my neck. Most of these experiences have come to me late at night while I am drifting off to sleep. I have often wondered if this is the ideal time for God to interact with me because my mind is at rest and free from distraction.

Well, anyway, I'm really just stalling because I know that what I need to say is going to be difficult. Admitting your own weakness is certainly never easy. I'll start by saying that lately I have been so consumed by the negative aspects of my life that I haven't even been living my life. Let me take you back to the very beginning . . .

I had felt for several months that I needed to make a job change. I can't really explain it other than I just knew it was time for me to move on and that God's work for me was somewhere else. I found a job at a completely different facility. I applied, interviewed and was offered the job. I struggled greatly with my decision. I didn't really feel like I had a sense of what God wanted me to do. After much prayer, I decided to take the job.

I knew by day two of orientation that I had made a huge mistake. I was not happy in my new job. I continued on, hoping that the newness would wear off, my uneasiness would subside and I would grow to like my new endeavor. That didn't happen. My dislike grew to hatred and I gradually became completely consumed by trying to figure out how to get out of my new job. I was desperate for an immediate change. I was beginning to make myself and my family miserable. I couldn't function outside of my job. I feel like I was trying to do a decent job in my work and my superiors told me that they were very pleased with how I was doing. However, outside of work I completely shut down. All of my relationships began to suffer. I felt so sorry for myself that I could barely function. I put everything on hold, pending on my much-anticipated job change. I was just waiting for my life to return to a more favorable state. I stopped doing God's work. I stopped singing with the worship team at church. I eventually stopped posting in my blog. I no longer read the bible on a regular basis.

I will say that I prayed all the time. I prayed for my family and friends, but I mostly prayed for myself and my job issues. I begged and pleaded with the Lord several times each day.  My vision blurred on the long drives to and from work as I wept bitterly, pouring my heart out to God.

I then discovered a new job. It was completely different from my previous work. I could really see myself in this job and I thought that I would really prosper in this new opportunity. It was a newly-created position that I thought God made just for me. I soared quickly and easily through the interview process. I was told that my interview was excellent and that I presented myself very well. I thought the job was surely mine.

And then I got the email. They offered the job to someone else! I completely lost it. I hit rock bottom. I felt like I was drowning in a pit of despair. I was trapped in this job that I hate and now there was no hope of any way out! I had pinned all of my hope to this job that now belonged to someone else. I was angry and confused. I felt so sad and betrayed. I cried out bitterly to God. Why?!! Why did this happen?!! What did I do to deserve this?!! Why would God want me to be miserable in my work? I thought and said things that I regretted. I yelled at my husband. I hated myself and felt responsible for the state of my life. What was I to do now? I didn't know how I could go on. I couldn't keep going back to that job that I hate. I just couldn't! What was I going to do? I wanted to completely give up on my job and my life. I felt lost.  

After tossing and turning all night I managed to drag myself to church the next morning, still feeling sorry for myself. I could hardly believe it when I heard the sermon. I thought that Pastor Greg was talking directly to me. I realize that the message was for me but that it was God who was doing the talking. Pastor Greg spoke about how the Lord has been working on him for the past month. He said that God was doing surgery on his soul and that he was removing the pride from his life. He said he didn't even know that he had this pride until the Lord showed it to him. He accounted that the process was very difficult and painful and that he fought it at first but that the Lord has helped him to grow spiritually into a completely new man. He said God was moving him to tell us all to give our sins and burdens over to God so he can work within us and heal us.

It was then that I recognized how selfish I was being. I wanted a perfect job and a perfect life and I was throwing a fit about it. I wanted things my way and I was not at all interested in what God wanted me to do. I realized that sometimes being in God's will is not easy and not comfortable. I went to the alter to pray and make myself right before the Lord. I felt humbled, cleansed and renewed.

I'm not going to tell you that I magically have a sudden love for my job because I don't. I can say that I do feel a sense of peace about the situation. I know that this journey that I'm on will probably continue to be difficult and somewhat painful. I've come to terms with the fact that for some reason the Lord wants me to be right where I am right now. He may have some kind of work for me there or maybe he will work within me through this experience to help me grow spiritually and be a better servant for him. Even though it's not easy to move on without knowing where God's plan will lead, I will go forward trusting in him and having faith that he knows what is best for me.

James 5:7-12

⁷ Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. ⁸ You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. ⁹ Don’t grumble against one another, brothers and sisters, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door!

¹⁰ Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. ¹¹ As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.
¹² Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. All you need to say is a simple “Yes” or “No.” Otherwise you will be condemned.
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The Many Jobs of a Woman

Women have many different jobs. In the last 24 hours I have been a . . .

I am thankful for all of the people in my life who help me to be a better woman. I am thankful to my Heavenly Father. Without Him, I can do nothing and am nothing. I feel blessed.

Peace

I have had quite a busy week at work. My week was actually somewhat exhausting. I can say that through it all I continue to remain close to Jesus. I continue to pray and talk to Jesus (silently while I'm working) throughout each day. I ask Him for help and continue to lean on Him in situations that seem beyond my ability to cope. He continues to provide help in the form of my co-workers and my boss. In the midst of critical and challenging work situations, I continue to find the strength and resources I need to accomplish everything that needs to be done.

I am still amazed at how He provides for me and keeps me close to him. He is so good to me in so many ways. I can't even begin to count all of the blessings He has poured into my life. The closer I draw to Him, the more peace I have within me. It is a peace unlike anything I have experienced. It's a peace from deep within my soul that feels like someone wrapping their arms around me and giving me a great big hug. It's a feeling of contentment and protection even when I am frustrated, busy and exhausted. It's the peace that surpasses all understanding. Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I love living in God's peace.

 Not very long ago, I was in a place in my life where I certainly did not feel the peace of God in my life. I felt distant from the Lord and it was a very unsettling feeling. I wasn't following God's will for me at that time. Oh, I was going through all of the motions. I went to church every Sunday. But I wasn't seeking the Lord like I should. I wasn't reading the bible much at all and I wasn't spending regular quite time with God. I didn't consult Him in anything. I just went about my life making all of my own decisions, thinking the Lord would probably be on board with me. Well, He wasn't. 

You may be wondering how I attained the peace that I now have. Well it's simple really. I prayed. I sat down by myself, bowed my head and prayed. I asked God to help me to follow His will instead of my own selfish desires. I asked Him to forgive me for my sinful, stubborn ways. I asked Him to change me from the inside out and make me into His loving, compassionate servant. I started spending more time reading the bible and talking to the Lord. I found that the more I sought Him and was obedient to His will, the closer I felt to Him. This resulted in the amazing peace that I continue to experience.

2 Peter 1:2
Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.
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Calming the Storm

I have had quite a week. Work has been extremely busy. I have to admit that I was still a little upset about the whole job thing. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you can find out in my post "God's Difficult Will." It's not that I don't like my job, I really do. And I like the people that I work with. We all work well together as a team. We accomplish some amazing and very difficult things together. It's that my job can be absolutely exhausting on almost every human level. We have days that are so busy that I feel like there needs to be two of me. My work is physically, emotionally and mentally taxing. I have done this work for nearly 14 years now. I felt like this new job was the "promised land" and I assumed God would want me to go there. The Lord made it very clear that I was to continue his work in my current job. Naturally, as a sometimes disobedient child can do, I got mad. What about what I want? Do I not matter?

Well, the Lord continued to work on me this week. As I worked, I kept praying little prayers to the Lord. Lord, help me do this. God, I can't do this without you. I need you, Lord. He helped me keep up with the work and he gave me this feeling of peace that is hard to describe. It's almost like a feeling of someone loving you from the inside out. It starts in your chest and works its way up to your face and eyes. You almost feel like you are smiling even when you know that you aren't. You can feel this warm sensation in your cheeks, kind of like you are blushing. I knew that it was God and that he was saying, "I've got this. I've got you."

When we are right with God and following his will instead of our own, we can have peace even in the midst of all the chaos. I was surprised at how unsettled I felt while I was trying to figure out what to do about the new job. I continued to feel unsettled even when I thought the Lord wanted this job for me. Then when I followed his will and continued to submit to him and seek him in his will, I immediately felt peace about the whole situation. Pretty amazing, huh?

Matthew 8:23-27

 ²³ Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. ²⁴ Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. ²⁵ The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”
 ²⁶ He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
 ²⁷ The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”

If Jesus can calm a storm then he can calm our storms. However, he will only calm our storms if we seek him and ask him. And did you catch the other part? We must have faith. Not just any faith but faith in Jesus, that he can and will do these things if we ask. Do you have faith?

The Lord gave me these words this morning:

My child, you are right to seek me and put me first in your life. If you do these things, all other things will fall into place and you will have peace in your soul. You need not worry about the little details of your life. Give them to me and I will take care of them. Your only concern is me and my will. Follow me with all of your heart and all of your soul. Align your will with mine. I am pleased with you, my child, and the work you are doing in my name. I know it is difficult to go against the way of the world but many people will be blessed by the work you are doing for me. Continue to further my kingdom and you will be greatly blessed.

Matthew 5:7

⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
   for they will be shown mercy.

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God's Difficult Will

God's will is sometimes very difficult. He never said His will would be easy. I think we just assume that once we become believers and accept Christ that our lives will be smooth-sailing. This is so not the case.

I admit that I have had a difficult week. My father-in-law had a major surgery yesterday. We waited for hours to hear the outcome and prognosis of his situation. He was facing cancer. We prayed for him together as family and friends. We prayed from the very intimate and tender places of our hearts. It was a truly spiritual experience that I will never forget. I could feel the love of Jesus surrounding us and him. At the end of the day, the news was good. Preliminary testing indicates that the tumor was benign. It was a very sweet ending to a long, exhausting day. Thank you, Lord!

The other issue I have been facing this week is a new job opportunity. I have been pretty excited about this potential new job. I have been praying about it for about a week with no real sense of what God wanted me to do in this situation. I had already convinced myself that I would be perfect for the job and that it must be God's will for me to make the change. The new position would have meant working less hours per week and having way less job stress. I would be doing a lot more paperwork and having virtually no life or death situations to deal with. It would also mean that I could sleep much later. My current job requires me to be at work at 5 a.m.. The new job would start at 8 a.m. I could practically envision myself with my head on my pillow enjoying all of the extra sleep I would be getting. The other beautiful benefit of the new job was that I would not have to work any weekends or holidays. I was so convinced that God would want all of these wonderful things for me that I even talked to my boss about applying for the other position.

Well, yesterday as Mike (my husband) and I were on our way to the hospital, the Lord made it abundantly clear what He wanted me to do. Mike and I were talking about this new job and how it would change our routine and home life. As I was talking to Mike, I got this overwhelming sense of what God wanted from me. He told me that I was focusing on all of the wrong things. He said that He loved me but it was not about my comfort. He needed me to stay in my current job. He knew it was stressful, difficult and exhausting. He needed me there to continue to do His work.

I can't tell you how disappointed I was when I got this message. I wanted to cry and almost did. Why? Why could I not have comfort and ease? Why? I pictured myself standing in front of God, pounding on His chest while I threw a tantrum like a two-year-old asking over and over, "Why?" The whole time I ranted and raved, the Lord held me in His arms while enduring my fists against his chest. He loves me no matter how disobedient I am.

This morning as I spent time with the Lord, he gave me these words:

I am well pleased with you, my child. You have been obedient to Me and I am pleased. Continue to seek Me with your whole heart in all of your decisions. You are right to consult Me about a new job. You know what I want from you and where I want you to be. My will is not always easy or comfortable. My will can be exhausting and taxing. No one ever said being a follower of Me would be easy or without hardship. It will be very rewarding, though. Continue to seek My will and not your own. Remember that I will be with you every step of the way. I will never leave your side. I will give you strength and rest. Cast your burdens onto Me. I will give you peace in your soul in the midst of My will.

The scripture He gave me is Philippians 2:12-18.

Do Everything Without Grumbling

 ¹² Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, ¹³ for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

 ¹⁴ Do everything without grumbling or arguing, ¹⁵ so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”^[a] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky ¹⁶ as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. ¹⁷ But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. ¹⁸ So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

It is difficult to do what God wants us to do, especially when every inch of our being wants something different. As His children, God calls us to do this and to do it without complaining. We are so blessed that He is with us at all times to help us accomplish His purpose.
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